Can I Survive?

What am I doing? Why am I even here? It’s not as if anybody really cares about me. They don’t even know me. They only know the façade that I put on. Nobody knows me, really! I hide behind a fake smile because I don’t want anybody to know me, to know that I’m so scared. Scared of someone prying a little too much and uncovering the secret I’ve been hiding for years.

People scare me. They judge and bully others. They lie and cheat. They can’t accept new or different things. People are horrible, that is why I can’t come out and tell everyone, because they’ll judge me and cast me out of their little world. As much as I try to deny it, I do care about what my friends, my family, society in general, thinks of me.

            ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Whack!

“Damn alarm clock.” I mutter as I open my eyes to be almost blinded by the early morning sun coming through my bedroom window.

I hate Mondays. Absolutely despise them.

I blink a few times trying to adjust my eyes to the brightness and sit up. I look around my room for my school uniform, spotting it draped over the back of my desk chair. I get out from under the covers to retrieve it and make my way to the bathroom for a shower.

“Morning Marie.” Mum greets me as I walk into the kitchen with my school bag over my shoulder and my hair still wet.

“Morning mum” I reply, opening the pantry and dumping my bag next to the door.

“You’re going to be late again darling.” She points out absently as I grab a packet of chips and a muesli bar.

“Yeah I know.” I say as I open my bag, stuffing the food into it and zipping it back up.

“Okay” she says.

No… would you like a lift to school so you don’t get in trouble? Of course not. Who am I kidding? She’s too busy organising her ridiculous schedule for the next week. Why would she actually care if I’m late? I think spitefully as I grab my bag, walk back through the house to the front door. I run down the road to the bus stop, just getting to the bus before the doors close and it leaves.

            ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

High school is all about survival. To survive, you have to have the right friends, the right look, and the right attitude. You can’t be too stupid but you can’t be a know-it-all either. I have the right friends (even if they are a little dull), I have the right look (even though I hate it), I have the right attitude (even if it’s only on the outside) and I have a perfectly average IQ.

Sometimes I feel just like a voodoo doll: controlled by the expectations of my peers.

            ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“I’m gay.”

“What?” I ask, not knowing who said it.

I can see the rest of my friends looking over at Julia, the self-appointed leader of our group, and I realise that it must have been her.

“Really?” someone else asks, and again I don’t know who because I’m still a little shocked.

Well, lets see how everyone takes this, maybe I’ll be proven wrong and they’ll be ok with it. Maybe they’re not quite as dull and un-accepting as I’d thought. Fingers crossed.

“Awesome!” Exclaims Bethany, an annoying girl I’d never been overly fond of.

I’m still staring at Julia but I just can’t help it, I had not been expecting this.

“Yeah…” Julia replies nervously, seeing me staring at her and giving me a small smile.

After a few minutes of awkward smiles and confirmations everyone seems to just be going back to what they’d been doing before but I’m still sitting there, staring dumbly into space and thinking wow. Ok then. Maybe people aren’t quite as horrible as I’d thought they were. Does this mean I should follow her example and come out too? Would people think I’m just copying her? Would they not accept me as easily because I’m not as confident, as friendly or as popular? I’m so pathetic!

At this last thought, I drop my head into my hands and stay in that position for a little while.

“Hey Elle-Marie, are you ok?” Julia asks quietly from her new position by my side.

“Yeah. Was it hard?” I reply, lifting my head up to look at her.

“Huh?” she says, a little confused.

“Coming out. Was it hard?” I clarify.

“Extremely.” She answers.

“Have you told your parents?” I ask, thinking about how my own parents would react if I came out.

“Last night, they were surprisingly good about it.” She says, smiling.

“Do you think everyone would have reacted as well if it had been someone else? Everyone already likes you so much and you just seem so confident all the time. How do you think people would react if it was someone that’s not extremely sociable or confident?” I ask quietly, dropping my head back into my hands.

“I’m not sure. To be honest, I thought they’d hate me.” She replies, frowning slightly.

“Mm… that’s why-” I start, before I realise what I’m about to say.

“That’s why what?” she questions me, curiously.

Damn. Why did I have to say that?

“That’s why I haven’t come out yet.” I whisper so quietly that I’m not even sure if she heard me.

I move my head slightly in my hands so that I can just see her face and she’s grinning at me.

She must have heard me. Oh god!

“Be my girlfriend?” she asks.

“What?” I reply cautiously.

She’s not saying anything, just grinning at me.

“No. I can’t handle too much attention.” I answer sadly.

“Please? I promise you’ll survive a few people looking at us oddly. Please.” She begs.

Survive. I’m not so sure that I can. I guess I can try though, see if people are as horrible as I’d thought.

“Fine.” I smile.