Our Circle

Peer into the Abyss

Dedicated to PerfectlyMoonstruck for the amazing cover.

This was insanely upsetting to write.

•Intro•
•Peer into the Abyss•
•Heath•

I couldn't help but wonder what it was that I was doing. Today wasn't that bad of a day. My worst days have already come, and yet it is today, one were I feel almost normal again, that I wish for it all to end. On my worst days I couldn't think to do this, I couldn't dream to even move. On a day that feels normal, I have to wonder why I decided to peer into the abyss. The abyss is why, I'll never know how long I'll fall, I'll never see the bottom. The abyss could be endless and then it could end without a warning or a sign. I can't bear to look through the endless tunnel and never see the light on the other side.

The unknown is what scares me. How long is the tunnel, will I know when it ends, will I ever see the light, will I see it coming, can I run from it, or do I embrace it? It's the unknown that scares me. What could happen after she smiles? If I smile back, is what I seek at the end of this tunnel? What if the tunnel never ends and what if she stops smiling at me? What if I never reach the light?

I don't want to know. If I'm happy today does that mean I'll be happy tomorrow? That is unknown. If I tell her I love her, does she say it back? That is unknown. Do I dare take a chance? I don't want to know. I'd rather stare at the abyss than face her rejection. I'd rather stare at the abyss than pretend to smile again. As I stare at the abyss, I have to wonder who I'm leaving behind.

Will she mourn me? Will she mourn me, too?

I know people will miss me, that's what people do. But if I die here, right now, isn't it better than thirty or forty or fifty years from now? It'll have been only seventeen years that people can remember me by. Less to remember, less to mourn. So my family will move on, my best friend will move on, and the girl I love will move on. When they are old and grey, all they can remember is a seventeen year old boy. A boy who stayed forever young in their memory. He never changed, he never grew. While they got older he stayed the same. Isn't that better?

Seventeen years to mourn than fifty or sixty or seventy. Won't they be happier this way? So that when their time comes, I'm only a fleeting memory in the life time that they have lived. So I can only hurt them as only a fleeting memory can. A small pang of pain in their chest before moving onto the future. I'll only be a small fraction in their lives and my memory will only hurt them for a small fraction of it.

Just past my feet raged the waves below, crashing on a rocky shore and I wondered if the fall would truly kill me. If I went head first would it feel like hitting a brick wall? As a violent wave crashed against the rocky cliff I stumbled back, unsure if I was ready to dive into the abyss. No one truly knows when they're going to die, not until the very moment that they do and even then, some still won't know. And then they'll have died without knowing that they have. If there is no afterlife, will they ever know that they died?

I want to know when I die. I want to see the bottom of the abyss, I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want it to be my choice. If I jump now, is this the closet I will ever come to knowing? Even now, I don't know if the jump will kill me. Even now, my death is uncertain. If I jump, I still won't know what killed me. Was it the rocks below? Did I drown? Was it instantaneous? Did I bleed out? Did I claw my way to the surface as I gulped down water?

If I back away now, if I decide I want to live, can I live? Can I live with the knowledge that I tried to kill myself? I wish I could have asked him. I wish I could have asked him what it felt like to know you were going to die and then to wake up with the knowledge that you were still alive. I have to wonder what he's going through. For people to know that you tried to kill yourself and then for them to know that you failed. He walks around knowing that people know that he wants to die. Can I deal with that if I fail? The looks would increase and more people would know how fake my smile is. And she would know and she would know. I never wanted them to know.

If I backed away right now, no one would know. But I would know. I would know that I was the coward that they called me. I would know that they were right. I'm a coward. I don't want to be a coward. I don't want to play this game. I'm tired of the rules, I'm tired of the players, I'm tired of my turn. I want a game over. No matter how normal the day seemed and how the promise of a better future hung over my head, my past will always cling to me like a helpless child. If the jump didn't kill me, my past would surly drag me down until I reached the bottom of the abyss. I wanted it to happen now and I wanted it to be my choice. I wouldn't be the coward, not this time.

If I were to jump does that make me less of a coward? Am I still running away? If I were to stay then I've backed out of something again. Either way I'm a coward. If I jump, people will call me weak, call me a coward. If I stay, I'll know I was a coward. Isn't that worse? If I jump now I'll preserve the picture of myself in their minds. And maybe they'll look back on me kindly and call me a troubled soul. Perhaps my parents will spend the rest of their lives dedicated to getting my poetry published. Perhaps they'll forget me. And isn't that what I wanted? Isn't that better? To be forgotten, to be able to cause no one any pain.

That would be the life I left behind for my family and for my friends to remember me by. Someone who couldn't bring a tear to their eyes.

I leaned over the edge, peered down at the rocks below. I could do this, I could forever be gone. Then I could be free of this game. And so, I jumped.

•••

Dear Family and Friends,

I'm sorry you found out this way. I'm sorry that I lied. I'm sorry that I've decided to do this. But I think I'll be happy now. For Felicity, I know you'll move on, it's because you're so strong, and I always admired you for it. For Ivy, you are my best friend, but don't let me hold you down anymore, it is time for you to flourish. For mom and dad, I owe you so many things that I can never repay you for and I'm sorry, but remember this when you think of me: I'm in a happier place. Thank you for loving me, my time here was salvaged because of it. I hope you'll always remember me as a smiling seventeen year old boy.

Love,
Heath

•••

This book, just for the record, isn't a book about a kid committing suicide. This is a book about saving kids from their selves. If you want a book more heavily revolving around suicide check out Paramnesia. Heath is in that story a bit more and you get to know him more so that his suicide here is all the more heartbreaking.

Even as I was writing this I was telling myself that Heath wasn't going to do it. That he was going to back away from the ledge and he didn't and I'm honestly upset. Even though I wrote this. Is it too late to bring him back?