This one's for you, Logan.
I believe that we are different. Things always take a turn no matter how we planned it.Sometimes, people realized that and learned the nature of improvisation. However,there are people who prefer to accept it as their failure and putting full weight on themselves. I'm none of those people. I vision things like people vision their characters in a video game. If character's dead and the game was over, I'd start again.
Some choices affects life deeply.For me, my choices ended my life.
Things are sheepy until this boy named Logan came into my life. He was the new popular guy in the meighbourhood, and people surround him because he was positive. I didn't know how or why we became friends, but we did and it was fun. He was my only friend.
We hung out a lot at night, but not so much during the day. He had school and I didn't. Midnight was the time that we would sneak out of our houses and meet up at the park.We talked about alot of stuff, about our lives before us.I like it when he talk about his past. His eyes would stare at the night sky and lose himself amongst the stars. He would always smile and made some hand gestures while telling the tales of his life. Time stopped with me.
He would sometimes ask questions about me, about the sensitive part of myself that made me upset. He doesn't understand why I won't open up to him and trust him, and we would end up fighting and not talking for days. Not my favourite days, really. My ego wasn't big enough to prevent me from saying sorry, so things are okay again, and we were talking again.
What I regret of not doing was that I didn't open up to Logan,how much of a mess I am. I'm too sucked up in my own realm that I missed to notice who he could be, and how he could've been the spark of hope in my life,telling me that good things are possible.
All he knew about me was the rumours that had been circulating around the neighbourhood,about how my Mom got knocked-up with me and my real Dad left her, how she married my current step Dad,Robert the drug dealer,because we were desperate on money(which is true,actually),and how one of his dealer friends shot my sister Katherine on the forehead,and how my Mom ended up in the mental hospital after that. The neighbourhood told him those,not me. They love those stories because it made them feel more superior about themselves. It made them think,'I'm glad my family didn't have to go through that,' or,'That's what you'd end up becoming if you were a slut.'.
Those may not hurt to you,but they hurt alot to me and my family. My Mom wasn't a bad Mom. She was in a bad state of mind and no one who could help her helped her.
I wouldn't lie that I had daydreamed about being with Logan, running away from this crappy town and start a family with him and do things spontaneously. Things would always be happy.
That was before I got pregnant.
No, Logan didn't get the bun in the oven. It was Robert. I didn't want to get into it, so I'll stop.
I drift myself away from everyone. I stopped eating, I stopped socializing, I stopped doing pretty much everything. I hoped the baby would die with me.
Logan came to visit but Robert ushered him away, and not in a friendly manner. He beat him and knocked his teeth out.He was bruised everywhere and could barely lift himself up. A neighbour helped him and called threatened to call the police, but Logan stopped him.
I wish he didn't stop the neighbour.
He stopped visiting,after that, and I'm glad he stopped. Logan was the last person I want to see, and was the only person I missed alot.
Don't worry. If you're dreading for this to end, it will end soon. Because now, I will tell you how I died.
I didn't kill myself.It was 5 months since I found out that I carried another in me,and I'm starting to get big. I guess Robert started to notice that and he found out. He didn't react to it pleasantly. He started beating me. He kicked my stomach with his boots and aimed one of his beer bottles to my face. Incidentally, the bottle missed my head and shatters of glass pierced different areas of my skin. I wished I'd die on spot. I think the baby wanted that too. For the first time ever, I was actually worried that the baby would stop breathing.
That night,I ran away. I didn't pack anything because I don't have much to begin with. I waited for Robert to be drunk enough to pass out.When the time is right, I jumped out the window. I quickly paced into the streets and ran far away from what was once my home. I didn't look back. Hope was right infront of me.
That's how I died. That's how Emma died.
I'm sorry,Logan. I love you.
Love,Emma.
