Deep Cuts {E.D}

{4}

-after school-

Finally out of this hell hole. As soon as I got home I just plunged on my bed and took a deep breath. I was so exhausted that I was about to fall asleep when I heard the doorbell ring. That is probably my cousin since my mom works late today.

I open the door and see my beautiful cousin with a smile on her face I force a smile back and gladly hug her
'heyyy so nice to see you again I missed you'
'Yeah me too I love being back in LA and as ridiculous it sounds I actually miss the school too' she said still smiling from ear to ear.
I just laughed at her comment and told her to come in also taking her bags and putting them into the guest room.
'And how is life treating you. Any boyfriends ?' She said wiggling her eyebrows. 'HAH nooo'

She just laughed 'I bet there is someone you think of Amber'
'Actually no there is no one it's just... there is a lot going on in my life' I sighed.
'Oh hun you can always talk to me is everything ok ?' She said hugging me. See that's what I mean people do this kind of stuff for themselves they don't want to know it they just ask so they feel like they helped someone and that's exactly why I don't tell anyone what is going on in my life. Don't get me wrong it's nice of her but people just pretend like they don't see how you feel and turn around so they don't have to see the pain you feel.
'I'm totally fine.' Lie...
'Alright but if you need me I'm here for you'
I bet she knows that I'm dying inside I mean just look at me: Dark circles under my eyes, bruised arm that I don't even bother to cover up, my face pale like ice cold snow and my heart black as black as the night without any stars.
I nodded and put on one of my 'fake happy emotions'.
We were just sitting in the guest room doing stuff on our phones but then she broke the silence by squealing and jumping around. Looking at her quizzically I asked her what she is doing.
'Carol said there is a party we need to go' she said dragging the e. 'You can go but there is no way I'm going to a party ever'
'Come on Amber just have fun for once'
'I said no I don't like to be at crowded places'
She sat down next to me putting her hand on my shoulder in a reassuring way.
'I'm with you and no one is going to hurt you. Come on I can't go alone we need to go together'
Hurt as if I was scared to be hurt pff I don't think that i can be more hurt then I'm right now.
'I don't know Audrey...'
'Come on. Let's just go and see how it is if you don't like it or feel uncomfortable then we will go back home asap'
'alright but I swear to god if you leave me alone I will go home'
'Omg no I would never.' She kept dancing around the room and I actually laughed at her actions. I think her presence makes me a little bit more happy cause when I see her I picture myself being her and being so carelessly and happy.

And I'm Not alone with my thoughts that eat me from the inside and make me feel dead more and more day by day. Since my mom works more I'm alone the whole day till she comes home and goes to her room. I don't have a bad relationship with my mom it's just we don't spend time together at all some days we don't even talk and she just leaves those small notes telling me what to do or that she wishes me a good day and fun at school.

Looking at people and picturing to have a life like them is something I do often probably way too often. Sometimes I even find myself getting jealous. Maybe I'm just getting jealous cause these people are walking on the water I'm drowning in.

I don't think it was a good idea going to this party and I don't even agree to this kind of stuff but today I felt different I though maybe I have to act like the people and act happy and carelessly in order to actually be like that. If that was the right way ? I don't know but sometimes you need to make mistakes, Right ?

{🥀}