there for you

there for you - oneshot

"I can't do it alone anymore - I need you here." the all too familiar voice sobbed on the other line.

For the past three months, Camila Cabello had been trying to teach herself how to stop caring for those who never cared about her in return. However, Lauren Jauregui was a drug that would just keep slithering back into her mind, begging Camila to take another hit of her, another night with her. Each time, Camila succumbed to her most basic human instincts, the human need to be loved and touched, even if being with Lauren only gave her the illusion of love. Just for the night, she needed to pretend that someone gave a shit about her.

For these past three months, Lauren had called Camila begging for her to come back a total of six times. All six times, Camila had dropped everything - plans and work and anything in the way - to be there for Lauren. All six times, Camila had woken up in a various state of undress to an otherwise empty bed. Even though it was her house, Lauren was never there. Just Camila leaving the house silently. Only the click of the door as she closed it indicated that she had even been there in the first place, let alone for the night.

It was evening in San Francisco, and Camila had been smoking a cigarette and watching the sun set over the Golden Gate when Lauren called. Camila's hands trembled as she answered the call - she dropped her cigarette and forgot to step on it to make sure it was out. The smallest things could do it for her - awaken the ghosts of memories that she believed would haunt her for the rest of her life. In fact, it was the smallest of things that fucked shit up the most - everyone spends so much effort on trying to forget the big things, that the small shit is the stuff they never remember to forget. The smell of cinnamon in coffee could put Camila in a tailspin for hours, if not days on end. It only took the smallest things to push Lauren's troubled presence back in her mind again.

But she missed her too much to simply cast her off. She missed the curvature of Lauren's hips, smooth against the palms of her hands, too much to simply say goodbye. She missed the magical musk the air seemed to have only when they were together, touching and pretending to be in love like they used to be. At least, Camila knew Lauren was pretending. To her, Camila was just like the oxy that she used so damn often - a dependence, to be used and only used when the lack of it keeps picking at her memory to the point where she can't take it anymore.

Despite how toxic it is for her, how much it hurts to keep holding on, Camila knew that it hurts more to let go. So she doesn't. She is too deep into the enigma of her and Lauren, the enigma of what she calls 'us', to just withdraw.

So when Lauren tells her that she can't do it anymore, Camila already knows that Lauren has relapsed again. At this point, Lauren has most likely already given up on the concept of long term sobriety, those three words transformed into a sort of nirvana - something possibly achieved only with a leap of faith. And Camila knows. Lauren Jauregui is not religious, stuck in the trap of routine, seeing only the safety within the most dangerous things. Camila knew that Lauren had the ability to turn anything into something beautiful with only the power of a new perspective and her thoughts. When Camila knew Lauren for the person she truly was, without the drugs, Lauren could look at something as simple as a bruised apple left on a street curb and find some sort of truth or beauty within it.

The fact that Lauren seemed to find something seemingly good within the oxy, then, didn't surprise Camila at all. It is always harder to see the ugliness in something when you're so deeply attached to it. Camila would know - she was in love with Lauren Jauregui, knowing that to Lauren she was just another warm body to sleep next to. She just happened to be the warm body that Lauren needed and craved the most. Camila had lost friends over the raven haired Cuban druggie. Dinah and Normani still lived in San Francisco - but the newest news Camila had of them was over a year old. Perhaps they had known what Camila hadn't at the time - that change was such a futile word. If people won't change for their own sake, how is love supposed to make any difference?

Maybe love is just as futile a word as change is.

Camila had stopped asking Lauren her questions out loud. They would come at the times where tenderness was supposed to be there - Lauren removing Camila's shirt, eyes somewhat glazed where they were supposed to be sensitive and vulnerable. Laying in bed together, not touching, Camila somewhat ashamed of herself for climaxing, embarrassed by her dependency, embarrassed because her body cannot recognize the hurting like her mind can. Camila had stopped asking Lauren to love her, to hold her, to share the vulnerability that she had never lost when they were together. Camila's heart felt safest only in Lauren's hands, but when she looks into her lover's eyes and sees only lust, she remembers. She remembers that as Lauren fucks her, she is always closing her eyes and pretending that despite the sweat and the silence resonating between the two of them, they are making love.

Maybe that's why Camila stays. Because even if the reality of things isn't ideal, there is always solace in dreams and fantasy. Camila still finds peace in what she sees only when she closes her eyes. When Camila's eyes are closed, Lauren is always smiling. She looks like she's slept every night in the past week. She looks the way she used to be. Despite the years that have gone by, despite the way that the look in Lauren's eyes has changed, Camila still sees the Lauren that she fell in love with. The piece of Lauren that she cherishes too much to let go. She knows that if she lets that bit of Lauren go, she'll let herself go as well.

So she stays, simultaneously trying to avoid Lauren, yet unadmittedly still remaining at Lauren's beck and call. Hoping for only one thing - love. A touch that actually means something. Even a glance, just a flash of the girl who loved her looking back at her again, would be enough. A crack in the shell of the person she used to be. Camila knew that trying to help Lauren, trying to bring her back, would take time. It would take more time than she's spent on her already, and success is only ideal, not promised. She could fail miserably. Lauren could break. Lauren could break Camila, as if Camila isn't her own twisted form of brokenness already. But that's what love is, Camila thinks. Love is trying even though your odds are slim to none. Love is devotion. Love is letting yourself be broken in order to be able to fix someone else. Camila loves Lauren.

So when the phone rings, Camila answers.

When Lauren asks Camila to meet her at her place, Camila answers.

"I'll be right there."

-

A/N: Hey all! How are all of you?

My summer's going well. Work is good despite the nighttime hours (insert tears here) but I'm still trying to find time to write. It's kind of hard to write my longer fics (*cough* Framed *cough*) during my lunch breaks, so I ended up with this oneshot.

It's like baby angsty I think. I don't really know if I'm honest

I hope you all like this, and if you do, please vote, comment, and share (:

Thanks to all of you for reading! Hope you all have a good one! <3 

-Selene