The Door//A Poem

The door a poem

I think I'm in that place again I'm not really sure where that is, but it reeks of makeup,sex, and cigarettes or cigars because I never really liked the taste of them,it smells like anxiety but I refused psychiatry, so I sit here quietly and decorate my wrist privately. My sweater smells like your cologne so I don't feel so alone, but the doors locked cause I don't need your help I can do this on my own. It smells like burnt toast like something is bunring my heart is on fire and my Stomach is turning, because my soul has gone up in flames and I am to blame and no don't tell me it is not my fault because I am to blame. I scream it's all my fault it's all my fault and you scream back unlock the door unlock the door and you pick the lock on the rusty bathroom door, but my love I am lethal right down to my core. I find a pair of scissors in the drawer and I punch the floor because in my head my thoughts are raging wars and part of my brain tells me cut some more but the other half echoes you unlock the door. But I don't, I can't, I can't move,I can't speak,I can't breathe, I am scared I am weak I just want to weep I bite my lip until it bleeds.. so I don't have to admit that I am weak because if you weep you are weak at least that's what they said to me. You are still picking at the lock on the door and you cry to me I can't take this anymore I start to sink and I over think and like images on a movie screen I suddenly remember everything the night we spent in city place.. the night I bleached my hair the same night I got dumped by him I wasn't even yours and I was crying you told me I smelled like hair dye but you held me anyway,The night I chose you instead of him and you choose me instead her when I nearly killed myself and you stayed up all night and you wore a rosary to school the next day praying that I was alive even though you don't believe in god. The first time I heard you laugh, the time we woke up at 5 am to sneak out so your parents wouldn't catch me sleeping over every morning spent staring at your sun painted face and all the specks of dust floating around in the light, last October on my 18th birthday when we had sex for the first time and it was short and awkward but you made me feel beautiful and safe, All the notes you wrote me in psychology class,And all the days we skipped school to talk for hours and drink smoothies,The first time I sang in front of you and I played my guitar for hours and you gave me a reason to write songs again,The last party I went to when I drunk texted you,The time I got pulled over and we spent the sunset in the sand even though you hate the beach,The night in your room that we fought until 4am and you punched doors and walls anything you could get your hands on but me, All the mornings we spent at IHOP the time you told me about your brother and you cried every time I was pissed off because I couldn't get enough time with you, The first time I saw you walking toward me your awkward 'hi' and my awkward 'hey',The first time you kissed me in the back seat of your car in that old parking lot we used to hang out in,The day we went to heather park and you told me stories about your childhood and how getting older scares the shit out of you,Christmas of 2014 how you kept my feet warm and I bought you hot chocolate,When you kissed me under the covers and we made love and you let me be the little spoon. Every moment I spent tracing your skin,Every moment that I spent lost in your big blue eyes,Every moment that we kissed, every hug, and suddenly I unlock the bathroom door and I let you in. You break into this tiny space that place and I look up and I see your face the fire in my heart does not cease to spread I cannot feel I can't feel anything I am already dead my lungs still sit in my chest but they are full to the brim with nothing less then the air that I was not meant to take in because if you think I have a purpose then you are mistake you tried to touch me like all the times before but I push you away, but you fight as if I am worth fighting for, why can't you see that you are in love with a ghost I can't feel anymore but you are the thing that I loved the most
You are my everything
My universe
All the cluster of stars scattered like my thoughts and I was the sky that was always dark. You try your hardest but I can't feel a fucking thing it's too late there's nothing you an do.. nothing! But for an instant your lips crash into mine like ocean waves filled with rage suddenly our fingers are intertwined your hAnds are cold but your hands I hold and now I know that the night I drove 70 miles an hour headed for a lamp post was not how I should die. And that everything sharp, and every room was dark, every cut in my arm was not right
And that being friends with death meant giving up every breath an it was the worse mistake of my life because as my lips are unfolfed in yours I remember the night that I unlock that door my eyes were bloodshot and sore and I don't think I've ever cried that much before.
But I wasn't cutting anymore, I let you in .. I unlock the door and that was the best decision of my life. Thank you.