“Yah, Park Jiyeon.”
“What? I think that color looks good on you,”
Kim Myungsoo frowned as he looked at himself in the mirror. For his 27th birthday, I gave him a navy blue shirt. I know that he hates clothes which aren’t black, but when I saw the blue shirt at the store, I found it fitting for him.
“It doesn’t look good on me. You know that I only wear black,”
“That’s the reason why you don’t have friends.” I said teasingly. “People are scared of you because you always wear black. You should wear colorful clothes for a change,”
“They’re scared because I’m a cop, not because I wear black all the time.”
I made Myungsoo turn in order to face me. I pinched his cheek upon noticing that he’s still wearing a disgruntled look on his face. “They’re scared because you keep wearing that face. Next time, wear a more friendly and approachable one, okay?”
Myungsoo forced out a smile, which ended up looking creepy. When I started laughing, he frowned again. “See? It would never work.”
“You just need more practice,” I said after supressing my laughter. “Look at me. Before, I didn’t know how to smile and laugh. Now, I’m living life as if I’m the happiest and luckiest girl on earth.”
Myungsoo’s frown finally turned into a smile. “Well, that’s probably because of me.”
“It’s definitely because of you.”
Kim Myungsoo changed my life two years ago. He found me in an empty alley, unconscious and drunk. When I woke up the next day, I just found myself in an unfamiliar room. I saw him sitting beside the bed where I was lying. I could never forget the look on his face when I first saw him. It was the first time that a person looked at me with such gentleness.
Maybe that was the reason why I obeyed when he asked me not to leave. Even though I showed some indifference towards him, he still treated me with outmost care. I never responded to any of his questions, nor did I show any signs of interest to his babbles. Stoic as I was, he still did his best to make me open myself up to him. His awkwardness made it clear to me that he wasn’t the sociable and talkative type. Despite that, he tried hard in order to make me feel comfortable.
After a while, I just found myself opening up to him. I told him about the depression that I felt, which led me to my drunken state. I didn’t tell him in details, but he still showed interest. Before I knew it, I was already the one talking, and he was the one listening.
From then on, I visited Myungsoo’s house everyday. I would listen to his stories, and he would listen to mine. I once thought I would never find a reason to smile, but he became the reason. I looked forward to my everyday because of him. So when he asked me to be with him, I agreed.
I agreed no matter how much they opposed to it.
All of my life, I’ve been controlled by them like a puppet. I had no choice. My fate has been decided even before I was born. I was destined to work underthem.
This is the only thing that I haven’t shared with Myungsoo. I don’t want him to know.
--
“Happy birthday!”
Myungsoo took the cake from my hand and kissed my forehead. “Thank you,”
Every year, we make sure to take the birthday cake out at 11PM. Then when it’s almost midnight, we make a countdown and blow the candles. It’s our habit to celebrate our birthdays one hour before its end.
“What’s your wish?” I asked after spreading some icing on his nose.
He wiped the icing off using his finger then licked it. “Hmm. I hope that you won’t put icing on my nose next year. You’ve been doing it for the past two years.”
“Sure! Next year, I’ll put the icing on your chin.” I said teasingly while wearing an innocent smile.
Myungsoo laughed as he placed the cake down the table. Afterwards, he took my hand and spun me around. Before we knew it, we were already dancing to Savage Garden’s Truly, Madly, Deeply. We have this habit of playing foreign and cheesy songs during our birthday celebrations. The two of us used to hate doing romantic things. We even talked about how it irritated the hell out of us. But eversince we formed a relationship, the romantic stuff came in naturally.
“Jiyeon-ah, what’s your birthday wish for me?”
“Hmm…let me think,” I rested my head on Myungsoo’s chest as we continued to dance around the room. I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. “I hope you’ll wear colorful clothes from now on. Oh, and wear a friendly face.”
Myungsoo grunted at first, but soon after, he sighed in resignation. “Okay. Aside from that? Please give me a more meaningful wish,”
After much thought, I opened my eyes, looked up at Myungsoo, and caressed his face lovingly.
“No matter what happens, I hope that you won’t resent me.”
We suddenly stopped dancing. Myungsoo held me by the shoulders and looked at me questioningly. “What do you mean by that?”
“Nothing,” I said with a smile. “Let’s eat the cake!”
I was about to walk towards the table when Myungsoo suddenly grabbed my hand. “It’s not nothing. There’s something going on. Tell me,”
That’s when I began to shake in fear. All along, I knew Myungsoo had a feeling that I was hiding something from him. “There’s…nothing.”
“Jiyeon-ah,” His voice was full of pain and anguish, and it made me want to break down and cry. If only I could tell him. “We’ve been together for two years, yet it feels like there’s still a wall between us. Sometimes, you’re distant from me. There’s something you’re not telling me.”
I can’t tell him because it’s hard. Because it’s painful. I’m afraid that once I tell him, he’ll look at me in a different way. Things wouldn’t be the same again.
We are not meant to be together.
We are meant to kill each other.
No matter how much we love each other, it won't change the fact that the courses of our lives are different. We shouldn't have fallen in-love with each other in the first place. It wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who's fully-aware of our situation, yet I ignored it.
I'm the one who went against fate.
