The Sound of Silence (Attack on Titan)

The Sound of Silence

Empty silence filled his heart. A stone cold, rapturing blankness that washed over him in the most unexpected of ways. Quiet permeated the air around him, and he leaned back, eyes closed tightly against anything that would disturb his silence. He did not like the loud things that shocked his ears with ringing sounds. He did not like the jarring colors that assaulted his eyes when he opened them.

Those he loved surrounded him. They had not gone like he feared they would. His monstrosity had not scared them off. After all, a close friend had told him that his beastly form simply represented their last hope, and all of the things between that. All the failures and successes before he came along and made them believe again. Made them hope again. Made them live again, with a burning passion that surprised the broken people.

That thrum of hope rang through his ears every moment he took a single step outside. Where once terror and certain death had stalked the streets, now he walked them in silence, maybe a companion or two. He could sense the ghosts following him on eager feet. He could hear their plaintive cries–"Why did you leave me? Why didn't you take me with you? Why didn't you save me?"

He sometimes pressed his hands over his ears and refused to listen to them. He knew it would be bad for him to hear their addictive calling. Their lure of sobbing and that strange enchantment of sorrow. At these times he would sink to his knees and scream if he walked alone, and if he didn't he would try and block out the ghosts that haunted every step.

Mina, Samuel, Nac, Thomas; Hannah and Franz–even Mikasa's parents, damn it all–Oluo, Eld, Gunther, and Petra; Gelgar and Nanaba; Mike; the members of the squads that died to protect him in Trost; all those innocent people he could have saved.

Their sobs and dying screams echoed in his ears. He didn't even know most of them, but if only he had been stronger and smarter and faster and gotten there on time, they might still be there.

He could see it now, the way they would still live on.

Hannah and Franz would be married now and would have been able to raise kids like Franz had told him he wanted. They would have been happy.

He had never found out what had happened to Hannah; Armin had told him about Franz's fate. He assumed she had been eaten in a barbaric and excruciatingly painful way. After all, the Titans left no other death possible.

Mina and Samuel and Nac and Thomas–they all would have started their careers, maybe made it into the Military Police Brigade like they had wanted to in the beginning.

They would have lived, damn it, if he hadn't been such a big shot and tried to be the perfect golden warrior. If he had looked after them like he should've–they were his responsibility, for fuck's sake–they would be here to celebrate the end of the Titans.

Oluo, Eld, Gunther, Petra–he didn't know how he could have fucked up bigger at that moment. If only he had relied on himself and not made up his mind to let others die for him, they would still be here.

He could see them every time someone made a joke–Oluo would pretend to be great and then Petra would shoot him down, all the while causing Gunther and Eld to laugh and just become happy friends–he could see them dying every time he closed his eyes.

Gelgar, Nanaba, Mike, and the rest of the squads that died to protect him in his eleven-year-long war against the Titans had deserved a better way to go. Not some merciless slaughter that had absolutely no honor in death.

They deserved to see their families and live long full lives, and here he had totally messed shit up with his cocky attitude and 'martyr for the people' act. They should have made it home, but because of him they would never return.