“Hello, Georgie-Girl? Just calling to see how Grandma’s doing. The party is set for next week…a birthday to remember. Get her to the place on time.”
“Hey gang, I hear knocking at the door! It must be Granny. Everybody quiet! Shhhhhh! Hide! Shhhhhh! Quiet, everyone!”
All becomes deathly silent. I open the door. “Thanks, Georgie, for chauffeuring!”
“Grandma, I’m so glad you made it on time for your birthday…dressed to kill, I see. It will be great to chat, catch up, remember the past, the fun times, or whatever. I’m just so glad to see you. You’re not looking too worse for wear at our celebration of the big 7-0, regardless of that outfit. Come on in to the living room. Let me take your coat. Rest your weary bones.”
Family and friends burst from their hiding places, shouting gleefully at first, then reaching a deafening pitch---so Grandma can hear. “Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday, dear Grandma, Happy Birthday to you!”
Grandma almost faints.
“Calm down, you lunatics! She’s not deaf, you know! Oh my God! She’s turned white as a ghost. What are trying to do? Kill her? “Granny, Granny…you all right? Someone get some water.” Family and friends all stare at the lifeless body. A death-like silence suddenly reigns. “Never mind the water, get the champagne and hurry!”
Grandma begins to come around, a hint of color returning to her face.
“Oh God, Granny, for a second I thought we were about to lose you. Are you okay?”
Grandma nods weakly.
“Here’s some champagne. Take a sip. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Here, let me help you.” I tip the flute to her lips. She sips. Everyone cheers.
“Now, on to the festivities.” Out from the kitchen the remainder of the champagne arrives, chilled perfectly. I do the honors, pouring for the crowd.
I hand Grandmas her glass of fresh bubbly, then fill my own. Everyone raises their glass. “Granny, here’s to you, a life fulfilled, a lifetime of treasures to remember…You know, time runneth short…shortly. Remember the Titanic!” Everyone cheers.
All mill around sipping aimlessly. I refill Granny’s glass four or five times. I lose count. Her eyes gloss over.
“Okay, everyone, it’s time to present the presents. Find a place to sit.” Gaily wrapped presents have been placed on the coffee table. Grandma burps, apparently from a bit too much bubbly…or gastric by-pass…or simply old age. It’s hard to tell the difference.
“How you doin’ Granny?” I ask. She appears to nod.
“How about I help you with the presents?” Another apparent nod, though it really doesn’t matter anyway.
“Here’s the first. This one is from your granddaughter, Georgie-Girl.” Grandma burps again.
“Grandmas says, thank you, George.” At this point I have to translate. I unwrap.
“What have we here? Look everyone! It’s a dress… black…rather austere, but in matronly good taste, especially considering the timing.” I’m impressed. I reach over to the coffee table. “Let’s see what we have here…present number two.”
I unwrap. “Wow! Black sneakers!” I turn to Grandma’s eldest grandson, Sport. “Sport, what the hell were you thinking?” I ask curtly.
“I was thinking Nike, but then I thought, ‘too flashy’…then I thought Keds, black canvas…to go with Georgie’s dress, I mean Grandma’s dress…and much cheaper. You know, considering…” he mumbled. I shook my head. Grandma shrugged, nearly spilling another freshly filled flute.
I unwrap the next from Granny’s youngest grandson, Getty, the one Grandma thought would be rich one day. He was rich at birth, spaghetti today. What can I say? This one is big and heavy as a rock. I open it. It is a rock…actually a tombstone. I stand it up on end. It reads: “She was Grandma, but no Ma”.
“Genius,” I say with evident sarcasm. Sloshed to the eyelids, some of the crowd applauds, the rest have already passed out.
I unwrap the last present. This one is small and wrapped in toilet paper…my gift to Grandma. I hold it up for everyone to see. “What’s in it?” someone in the crowd bellows. Grandma murmurs, “Yeah, what’s…?”
“Someone get a strap, or ‘duck’ tape. Grandma’s falling off her rocker.”
I peel back the toilet paper. In my hand I hold a box, something like a ring box, one that would hold something like a diamond engagement ring. It is a ring box. I hold the velvet-covered box up for all to see. “See? It’s Grandma’s engagement ring!” I exclaim.
Those still awake response with: “Ahh!” I lied. It is an engagement present all right, just no ring. Ironic, I think. The box is encased in rich, black velvet, which leads me to think of a favorite Canadian whiskey of the same name. Anyway, I open it. Glowing inside is the Perfect Pink Pill (some just call it “PP” for short). Those still standing, cheer.
“Here, Granny, take a look. Here it is, at long last.” Grandma sees the PP and smiles weakly. It’s time for your birthday cake. Sport brings forth a pink seven layer, heart-shaped cake, Seventy candles in full blaze.
“Okay everyone, sing!” and I begin, five or six joining in chorus. “Happy birthday, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Granny, happy birthday to you, and no more!”
The few remaining in an upright position move in to blow out the raging fire. I cut her a rather large portion, then fill her champagne flute for the last time, gently dropping in the Perfect Pink Pill. I stare, almost mesmerized, as it slowly slips through the bubbles to the bottom of the elegant piece of crystal in her hand.
“Drink up, Granny! Drink up, everyone!”
With help from her grandchildren, Granny downs all that’s contained in the flute. Handed a fork, she passionately stabs the still smoking candles and smoldering cake, dumping all seven layers in her lap. “Way to kill seven decades, Granny!” A voice declares from the floor. Some people’s grandchildren!
I toast. “Here’s to Granny’s seventy years, a rich history, we would like to believe, which is now to be obliterated this very special day, thanks to all of us. Here’s to Granny, seven decades of fun and frolic, ending here on this high note…Let’s all join in one more time: “Happy birthday, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Granny, happy birthday to you, and no more!”
Okay, people, let’s grab a limb and roll her out to that big, black rig outside!
The End
