Grin And Bear It.

seconds out.. round 2

April rain smacks the late bus windows, even without any logic i have a hunch something bad has happened, slowly the bus eased into the car park, right half a mile hike in the rain, home and dry. That's also a half mile walk to cheer up, my conscience ( well bratty voice) scolds.

i mutter a clipped thankyou to the driver and step into the downpour, my boots quicky absorb the rainwater collected neatly on the ground, icy liquid seeps between my toes, my fringe slicking itself to my forehead. Shit.

i trudge past the bakery, my stomach rumbling hungrily a the thought of a doughnut,

'you can make yourself cake when you get home' i encouraged as i crossed the road, narrowly edging up the street, past the flats, the churchyard - with a quick nod in that general direction, it just strikes me as something to do-  the park, deserted, and over the bridge, i pause and look over, my hand reaches into my pocket and i pluck out a penny, it's dirty and slightly green, i look at the penny, back over the bridge and close my eyes.

'I wish that everything will fix itself' i whisper and flick the penny over the edge, waiting for the quiet clink as it connects with tarmac, the logical part of my brain said i was crazy, the hopeful part clung to the glimmer of hope that maybe my wish could be answered.

The last 300 metres to my house passed in seconds, the car was gone, mum and dad weren't home, perhaps they were at golf, i slide my key into the front door and the door squeaks open,

'Hello?' i call, dropping my bag and soaked blazer in the hall.

' hi' my sister echoes back, tentively.

i kick off my boots and place the carefully onto the radiatior, before walking into the front room, 'mum and dad at golf?'

'no...'

'where are they then?'

'err, down the hospital, mum fainted.'

liquid burned in my tear ducts, before blurring my vision, a strangled sob escapes my mouth, 'Why can't it just leave us alone?' i yell 'why must life pick on us? why not me? i can cope if it's me.'

Later i would realise i was being pathetic, but i was livid, i was sick of lifes unjustified tests of bravery, of ability to cope, i just wanted to sleep. Instead i fell to my knees, sobs racking through my body.

Eventually they subsided, the agonising cries into mere hiccups, minutes had turned to hours, and they still hadnt returned, i turn to Toni,

'i'm going to bed, sorry but im tired, long day, this was just the cherry on the cake though,'

She looked up at me, her fear only slightly slipping through her bravely composed features, being the tough one again, if you wear your heart on your sleeve, tears fall quickly.

i wake to a gently tapping on my head, i my eyes flick open to see my father's staring straight back, ' Hey daddy, so what's happening?'

' they have to keep her there for tests, possible stroke, possible bleed, it all sounds fairly harmless though, i'll look it up in a minute, the doctors dont seem too concerned, but she's staying the night.'

a sigh slips out, ' Alright buddy i'll be down in a minute, are we going to go and see her?'

' I'm not sure yet, we'll talk about it when you get out of bed.'