God dammit, there’s that feeling again. It forms a hard lump in my throat, heavy knots in my stomach. It always runs through my head, every night when I lie next to her.
She doesn’t love you.
You don’t deserve her.
I always push them to the back of my mind, well, I try at least. They make circles around my mind, cutting through my conscience. I always fear that they’re right…
I look at my sleeping angel, her curly black hair falling perfectly in front of her face. Even breaths escape her pouty, full lips. She’s so goddamn perfect. People always say that nobody’s perfect. Obviously, they’ve never met Marina. She’s the definition of perfection down to her core. Her eyes, her lips, her hair, her voice, her skin, everything. Her beautiful, pure soul..
I always wondered how she chose someone like me. I’m always so depressed, so troubled, so empty. I hate myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I can never do anything right, or anything good. I hate my stupid decisions, how I’ve hurt my friends, my family, everything.
I even hate my scars. They make me so much more ugly than I already am. I look at my forearm, littered in angry red cuts up to my elbow. A pathetic suicide attempt..
God, I hate remembering this….
I sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Marina wasn’t answering her texts or her phone calls, and the voices in my head started back up.
She’s probably cheating on you. You know she doesn’t love you, right? She just pities you. You’re so pathetic and weak, Lana. don’t you understand? Nobody wants you. you’re a reject. You’ve fucked up your own life and you pushed everyone away. You can barely even talk to Marina. Not like she wants you to talk to her anyways. She hates you just as much as you hate yourself.
I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I locked myself in my room and got out my razors from my locked box under my bed. I lined the ones that I had out in a row on my bed, and used nearly all of them. I can barely remember anything after that up until Marina found me….
(no POV)
“Lana! Lana, please, open the door..please!” Marina shouted, forcing herself up against the door in an attempt to open it. “God dammit!” she cursed. Setting down her bag, she hit the door repeatedly with her body until she forced the door open.
The sight before her eyes was horrifying. Razors scattered on the floor, blood everywhere; on the bedsheets, on Lana, all over her hands and her right forearm. Marina rushed into the room, picking up Lana bridal-style and carrying her into the bathroom.
She started running warm water in the bath, and began undressing Lana so she could clean all of the blood off of her.
Lana came to as soon as she got in the water. “M-Marina...I’m so..” She wasn’t even allowed to finish her sentence before Marina kissed her.
Once she pulled away, it was obvious that she was crying. “I’m just glad you didn’t end up dying, I just love you so much you don’t understand how much I really need you, Lana. Please, don’t ever hurt yourself again, for me, please..”
Violent sobs racked her body as she pulled Lana out of the water and held her close to her body.
“I love you so much, Lana..”
Tears escaped my eyes as I remembered that night. I was so convinced that Marina was going to leave me that I tried to kill myself..
I tried to calm down, soft whimpers escaping me as I sobbed. I barely even noticed Marina waking up.
“Lana, baby, please don’t cry anymore..” her angelic voice reached my ears. I brought my hand up to wipe the tears off my face but she stopped me. Rubbing her thumb over my cheeks, she wiped the tears away. “...you’re too beautiful to cry.”
Before I could speak, she kissed me ever so softly, then kissed my nose, then my forehead. Wrapping me in her arms, I buried my face into her neck, letting the warmth sink in.
I mumbled ‘I love you so much’ into her neck. She giggled softly, pulling me into her.
“I love you more than words can describe.”
After that, I drifted off into a peaceful sleep, one that I had not experienced in a long time.
