Spoken Word

The Introvert.

All my friends are surprised when I tell them that I'm an introvert.
I don't really know why, I mean a lot of my behavior is pretty typical for an introvert but here we are.
But now, you only know me as an introvert.
If you remember me, say, two days from now, you'll remember me as that one introvert kid who did some half decent slam poetry that one time.
Because that's all you've known me as.
And you're thinking of the typical introvert I'm sure.
Likes to read
Likes to be alone
Likes to think.
And I do, don't get me wrong.
But I also know that I want more than that.
I know that I want to experience extroverted things.
But I also know that I won't do these things on my own volition.
There are few people I will let push me to the edges of my comfort zone.
And only one I will let do every time, because I know you won't push me over.
So, thank you.
Thank you for when you force me into sharing my work and when you force me into trying spoken word.
For all the things you're going to make me do because dammit I'm not going to be a boring introvert forever.
I mean it's true.
I won't be a boring introvert forever.
Well, I will, but I won't seem like it.
Because you'll push me like you always do and you have my best interests in mind and who knows what crazy extrovert shit you'll make me do like talking to a crowd or introducing myself and  meaning it and not having to fake it.
And I'll seem even more like a chill extrovert type when in reality I hate the idea of people more than most things I know and I know people who don't try and caps that are screwed on too tight and homophobes.
And the lying will be good for me for once..
Because lying isn't bad
Necessarily.
I mean it can be
Don't lie about the important things
Jobs, crimes, deodorant.
But lying about how comfortable you are
Lying about how natural this is.
Because it's not malicious
I'm not lying to hurt.
I'm lying to grow as a person.
I'm lying to everyone and to myself about how I feel about activities and how comfortable I am with people and how much I hate crowds and parties and how much I'm a wallflower because I'm going to experience everything even if it's not always my idea.
Because I do
I really do.
I hate crowds.
I hate parties.
I am a wallflower.
I'm not comfortable around people.
But that's not what I know.
I don't know what it's like to be so overwhelmed with input that nothing else matters in that moment.
I only live in the moment when I'm with you.
Because I don't know what it's like to love all the things that are happening and drink it all in not from the sidelines but from inside the swirling rush of who the hell even knows because it doesn't matter because it's happening and it's real and it's there and it's exciting.
Because that's not my cup of tea.
But how the hell am I going to miss out?
It won't be my idea and I won't want to and I'll do it and maybe I'll hate it.
Or maybe I;ll find a safe haven from my thoughts and myself and my feelings and my worry because I'll feed off of the fantastic energy that everyone else is feeding off of that comes from each other in some infinite cycle that spontaneously began somehow but that's not important because it's invigorating and it's real and it's important.
It's in the moment.
And I so rarely am
But what happens when someone tells me I should?
When it's not just me telling me to try?
When it's someone I know would never ever hurt me?
I'd do it.
Because I'm going to try even if you have to make me and I'm going to try it and even if I hate it I'll try it and then I can say I've tried it and then go home and curl up with a book because that was a lot of input and a lot of energy and goddam I need a break.
Because I am an introvert.
But nobody needs to know.