365 days of static

suicide attempt number 2

yea, i know this ain't a very happy start. i mean first thing you read was suicide. but let's all just bare with it. I had just returned from college to my hometown, back to my family house. my first year of studying nursing. such a brilliant idea to want to help others when i can't even help myself. shittiest year ever. but june is finally here. and it is now june 25th. by night time my parents and my brother decide to go out, and i of course decline. i don't know why, but right when they left i felt like screaming although i had been locked in my room all day and wasn't talking to them. something about being finally alone in this huge house that young summy grew up and being face to face with her, urged me to find some hard alcohol and fill a few glasses of water with it. i then headed straight to the bathtub. all year long, in my dorm, i had a fucking shower that only had hot water for 3-5 minutes, so this was my heaven. i was drinking and drinking and filling the tub with water while wanting so bad to cry, but my eyes have been too dry for too long. once i was fully under water and i could hear no sound, i felt so peaceful. my body was numb from all the drinking. i was having love with the water. it was magical. i didn't even have the strength to come back up. but i did. thats when i ran out naked, looking for a razor. i found one in the bottom of my bag and went back to the tub. when i saw the first drop of blood i was ecstatic. i hadn't done this in a few months and i needed this so bad. i am known to be addicted to many things and cutting is one of them. the water was turning red only for a few seconds at a time, which found really amusing. i was under the water screaming my guts out, but i still couldn't cry. i was in pain. i am in pain. when i got out it was 1 am. my folks were still not back. so i texted my bestfriend since i was 6, who lives a few blocks away, that i need her right now. i throwed some clothes on, and all wet, with blood dripping from my wrists, i lit a cigar and starting walking down the street. the night felt so great. the only sound was coming from my unstable footsteps. suddenly i saw a car. aria had her mom bring her, with the car. can u imagine how shitty i felt, looking like that in front of the woman who practically raised me since i was 6. i walked into the car and said nothing. all i wanted was to walk around a bit. but that stupid bitch thought otherwise. me and my bestfriend are very different people and i like that. but sometimes she is just plain dumb. we went inside her room, me still having not said anything and then it hit me. i can't count on anyone except for myself. the moments that followed were full of her insisting to clean my cuts although i am a fucking nurse and that's what i do, and making the biggest deal out of it, i am surprised she didn't fucking pass out, asking me what would make me happy again and if some movie effected me and made me do these crazy shit, telling me it would be so egoistical of me to take my life because then she would be really sad and filling my head with a shit ton of other crap I don't even want to remember right now. i was laying down with my head on her knees, without talking. then i left, although she insisted i stayed over the night because she is honestly such an expert and she has ''been through worse'' and can help me and shit. i slept after hours. when i woke up i texted her that i told my mom everything and it's okay and that i feel great now. i thanked her for all of her help and told her i love her. then i started writting my suicide note.