Wishful Thinking

If only

        I felt a tear make its way down my cheek as I stared emotionlessly at the blade in my hand, debating. I was in love with someone and I knew that they were going to find another girl to fall in love with and I felt powerless, unable to do anything to stop it from happening. They lived on the other side of the world so there wasn't much I could do about it and it hurt me. It hurt me so much I could barely comprehend the pain. Every Time I talked to him I always ended up becoming uninterested in what he was saying or let my mind wander. In a way my body was keeping me from hurting even more by actually paying attention and falling deeper into love.

The knife was slowly inching closer to my arm without much notice, me being too lost in my thoughts to pay it any mind. Only when I felt myself pressing the blade into my flesh and slowly making a cut did I snap back into reality. I swiftly pulled my hand that was holding my knife back, mainly out of shock, and looked at what I had done. There was blood seeping out of the small cut I had made and the stinging seemed to radiate all the way from my wrist to my elbow. I laughed slightly, unsure of how to react, before bursting out into painful sobs. My wavering voice bounced off of the walls of my room and I was grateful that no one had been home to witness my pathetic display.

"Why?" I screamed, agony clear in my voice, "Why does life do this to me? What did I ever do?"

Over time my sobbing started to become quieter and quieter before it had been reduced to silent tears and occasional sniffling. I looked up and turned my head to face my mirror. What I saw could only be described as depressing and pathetic. My face was a bright red, my nose had snot running from it, my eyes were all puffy and tear ridden, and my arm had a cut with a trickle of blood slipping down it. 

I fell onto my side, letting my head hit the pillow, and closed my eyes. After a few seconds I fell into a dark and quiet slumber, hardly aware of the sound of the knife hitting the floor. Little did I know, I wouldn't awake for quite some time, my unstable emotional state forcing me into a long and peaceful coma.

If only.