When you're Gone

     25th March 2014

Sehun woke up this morning to Debussy’s Clair De Lune playing through his phone. He normally wakes up to the alarm clock beeping away in a jarring interruption of his daily peaceful slumber. But today, on this specific date, he will wake up to the well-known piece of Debussy as this song was what tied them together approximately some ten years back. Whether it was for the past seven years he spent alone or the next few decades that were to come, on this day, he would take his day off at work and repeat his annual routine.

He squinted his eyes when he woke up with the sliver of the bright morning sun greeting him through the gap between his sunflower white curtains. He sat up and got off his cold and empty bed. He headed to part the curtains, expecting bright rays of the sun to hit his pale face but to his amusement, the sun was not as bright as he thought it would be. The weather seemed nice, as it wasn’t too hot or too chilly. However, the whitish grey clouds in the blue sky indicate a downpour later in the evening.

He turned around and walked around his bedroom, staring at the whitewashed walls adorned with paintings of the four seasons. Luhan painted those when he had nothing to do while waiting for Sehun to come back from work. Seven years ago, Luhan moved to another place and he did not tell Sehun where. They said their goodbyes and Sehun asked him where was he going to go but Luhan did not answer. Sehun missed those days when he was here. He would wait for him to wake up, staring at his face until doe eyes gazed back into his. Their day never started without a soft peck on Luhan’s lips from Sehun. When Luhan slept, Sehun would always describe him as angelic, the way his eyelids would flutter a tiny bit and his chest heaving up and down as he inhaled and exhaled in his slumber. It’s been a long time since he saw that pale, beautiful face.

Sehun missed Luhan greeting him every morning and singing to him every night. His voice was more beautiful than a choir of angels singing songs of praises. As Luhan sang, Sehun could see twinkling in his eyes that always make Sehun’s heart skip a bit. He missed how Luhan’s slender, graceful fingers interlock with his. His fingers fit perfectly in his hands. Sehun remembered when Luhan looked back on his past and tears would dampen his face only to have him kiss them away. He remembered how Luhan would finish painting a scenery of autumn in a park and he would have crimson paint staining his fair cheek.

Sehun stopped himself from getting further in thought and looked at the time. He hurriedly got ready as he was going to visit Luhan today. He has been doing the same since the past seven years after Luhan had left. Luhan told him to only visit him once a year, on their anniversary as it was the day they started their relationship. When he visited him, Sehun would always bring along a bottle of Luhan’s favorite white wine and a ring Luhan forgot to take with him when he moved. Carved on the ring were the letters ‘H&H’ symbolizing Hun and Han. Sehun customized it and it was Luhan’s 24th birthday gift from Sehun. Sehun was excited to visit Luhan today after three hundred and sixty five days apart and he knows Luhan felt the same as well.

He drove to where they were supposed to meet every year and Sehun took down the wine with two wine glasses and set it down on where Luhan was sitting. He smiled at Luhan and pecked him like they always do. He poured the wine and clinked their glasses together and he started to talk.

“Luhan, I know you like listening me telling you stories so I hope you will listen to me babble all my crap today, okay?” Sehun asked.

“Okay.” Luhan smiled.

He told Luhan about his promotion that he got a week back and the day he got drunk at Jongin and Kyungsoo’s wedding. He told Luhan about how Baekhyun and Chanyeol got into a fight because Chanyeol clumsily lost his wedding ring and Baekhyun accused him of cheating only to find the wedding ring in his pockets when he helped Baekhyun do the laundry. Sehun had to help Chanyeol to get back on good terms with Baekhyun, adding that Chanyeol and Baekhyun were like children. He told Luhan about how Zitao and Yifan moved to Canada and Yixing adopted a child with Joonmyeon. Sehun was sure they would make good parents. He also added that Minseok and Jongdae are only a month away from their big day, adding that he was really proud of his friends.

Then he would read out Clair De Lune, the poem written by Paul Verlaine to Luhan as that was Luhan’s favorite piece in the history of Literature. In addition, Luhan loved Debussy’s Clair De Lune which was inspired by this beautiful poem.

Your soul is a chosen landscape

Where charming masqueraders and bergamaskers go

Playing the lute and dancing and almost

Sad beneath their fanciful disguises.

All sing in a minor key

Of victorious love and the opportune life,

They do not seem to believe in their happiness

And their song mingles with the moonlight,

With the still moonlight, sad and beautiful,

That sets the birds dreaming in the trees

And the fountains sobbing in ecstasy,

The tall slender fountains among marble statues.

After that, Sehun would always say the same thing as he did for many years.

“Luhan, remember when we first met and you poured your cappuccino over my white uniform and you apologized profusely? I always thought you looked really cute back then. I wasn’t angry at you at all but I was hypnotized by your ethereal beauty. Then a few weeks later, we met again in the same coffee shop and I approached you and you still continue to apologize. That day, we found out that we both like our cappuccino with a shot of espresso to keep us awake all day. We began meeting each other at the same coffee shop and I just fell so hard for you. You were just so beautiful with you brown doe eyes, caramel brown hair, baby pink lips and fair, alabaster skin. Fate was a thread spun and measured and fate was that something that tied you and I together. I loved it when you stroked my hair to sleep when I was sad and comforted me when I reminisce on my mother’s death. If I were to go back to the past to meet you all over again, believe me, I would and I would make it even better. If I could turn back time, I would take notice of the times you felt an excruciating pain in your head but swallowed morphine to reduce it. Imagine our life now if you had not left me, we would probably be parents to a certain child. But fate can be cruel. I will be with you one day Luhan. I promise you with all my heart. We would learn to love again and when that happens, nothing will ever separate us again. I have to go now, Luhan.”

Sehun stood up and cleaned the wine glass. Before he left, he stepped forward and kissed the cold marble of the tombstone and placed the white roses he brought for Luhan. He looked at Luhan’s name carved on the ceramic stone of the tomb and smiled as below his name was a tiny engraving that read H ♥ H.

Before he left, he whispered to no one in particular but he knew Luhan was listening.

“Goodbye, Luhan. I love you. See you next year, okay?”

As if on cue, he could almost hear w whisper in the wind saying, “Okay. I love you too.”

In the place where we were together

In those moments where we could’ve walked together

I’m holding onto myself alone

In this place, even our future, my wishes have stopped

I’m standing here and you are gone