And Then She Wanted to Die

All of a sudden, everything was fine. A sensation of wellbeing consumed my body and at that instant I was feeling okay. Instead of wishing it would last longer, all I could think about was death. I wanted to die. I wanted my sole to leave my body in this peaceful state of mind. I wanted my last impression of life to be positive and remotely happy. These were my wishes because I knew this sensation would not last for too long. I knew it could last a day, maybe two; I was feeling optimistic that day.

At last, it ceased after exactly one hour, maybe two; I didn't really keep track of time. I was not disappointed, since it was expected. Happiness comes with a price: the chance to lose it at any given moment. I believe this is one of the reasons why I gave up on happiness a long time ago. To me, losing what you loved the most, weather it is a dream, a person, or an object, is worst than not having it at all.

You see, when you don't have something, you can fantasize about it. You can imagine what life would be with it, and you can hope that one day you will own it. If you never tasted it, you will never know what you are missing. On the other hand, once you get that desirable thing, you feel like its heaven on earth. Not too long after that, you start being anxious and scared to death that something will take that away from you. When that thing goes away, changes, dies, or disappears that is when you start to go downhill.

Life is a vicious circle of acquiring then losing things. A circle that never ends until life finally allows us to rest forever and ever. The secret is to develop adaptive coping skills, surround ourselves with a strong support system, seek help from professionals when needed, and so on. My question for you is: what's the point of all this? Why do we want to hold on to something that makes us suffer so much with just a glimpse of joy in return?

If I was referring to an abusive relationship everybody would advise me to put an end to it. Why is it so different when it involves life? Why do we stay in a world that keeps bullying and neglecting us over and over again? That is where spirituality comes into play. Once we find a purpose to life, it all of a sudden makes sense. The suffering suddenly seems bearable and despair leaves space to some kind of hope.

Notice that I used the word spirituality, not religion because these are two distinct terms. Spirituality refers to an individual connection to something bigger and a way to give meaning to life. In contrast, religion is a specific set of beliefs and practices agreed upon by a number of people. Unfortunately, religion has been involved with various unacceptable events, which lead a lot of individuals from the younger generations to completely abolish religion along with spirituality thinking that both were identical. No wonder why this world is full of mentally and physically ill people.

Correct me if I am wrong but I feel like too many young adults live with a void. Something significant is missing in their life and they ignore it by going through the motions. Most of the time, our schedule is so busy that we don't even have time to notice that something is wrong until it's too late.

Leave the house at 7 o'clock in the morning; get back home at 16:00 to complete tons and tons of homework. By the time it ends you socialize on the Internet or complete housework and then you feel so exhausted that you need to go to bed. The next morning it's the same routine all over again.

No more time for self-reflection or relaxation. Unfortunately, we forget that life doesn't have to be this way. Of course, there are some things that we cannot withdraw from if we want an ensured basic quality of life, such as work or school.

But there is more to life than this small aspect. They make us believe that we can only have one destiny; that there is only one specific area in which we can study and then become experts. We have to make a decision at a very young age between art, music, science, sports, or literature. They don't teach us that a doctor can drop a mix tape and write a fiction book at the same time. By focusing on only one thing, we lose the drive we had for certain things thinking that we just cannot succeed in more than one area at once.

Then, life becomes dull, we see the same things, talk to the same people, and experience the same things. We live with a void without even knowing...