Mr. Right

Part 4

People say if you had prayed enough time, your wish would have been granted, i used to ridicule the idea, but i think otherwise now. I have been praying to get an internship after i have been rejected thrice, and suddenly, i have received one. i have been praying to hear from Carl, and there he was so unexpectedly at where we would call under the eyes. I guess thing really happens when you least expect it to, that's why there is the phrase to always expect the unexpected.

while losing in my own thoughts, the phone vibrated with a text, 'hey, how was your meeting with Brad?', it is no other than the curious Elly, i confused her with a puppy sometimes, she always seem to tail around. 'how is he? you shall tell me everything in great detail!' she continued.

'nothing much though, we just talked and talked about this and that,' i said, 'have i ever told you that Brad has always slay with his fashion taste, i doubt he really undertook architecture, it would have been more obvious that fashion was his major.' i jokingly stated.

Brad really look better, muscular and all. he's with slight beard now, so manly that i doubt that is the same guy i had been flirting around with.

'i have heard and witnessed about that fact, i'm a friend too, although, not as close as you are.' said Elly. 'you shall stop giving him a hard time now, he has been here for all these years yet you never took him in, i still cannot understand that about you even i have been your close ally for all my life.'

'it is ain't that easy as you say, i don't feel the right clique with him even we are the partners.' sighed me with deep breath.

'then what's stopping you?' Elly insisted for the real answer this time.

another deep breath, 'i don't know.....sometimes, i want to give us a chance, but i always feel it is not right, especially not for him when i don't feel that deep, especially when i can't even differentiate my own feeling whether it is love or just lust.'

'ay... don't you think that you two have already passed the lust phase? it's four years, four years were tortured enough to be just friend, at least for him, i couldn't imagine myself standing in his shoes, not to mention about how he is always following you around.' Elly stated as if she is Brad's sister and blaming me.

she is right, Brad has been going around with me, he is only a call away. We were together most of the time that friends would doubt that we are just friends. There was rumor about us during high school, yet we did not care about it, i claimed it was not true, and i knew it hurt Brad.

'you change the topic now, this is sensitive!' i always hate talking about this not because i hate Brad, rather because i am indecisive.

'okay, okay, it is not your first avoiding it anyway, i am sure you have been thinking about it in your head for all this whole time.' she knew it! 'by the way, you don't need to go on Monday, i will go clear about that myself. You have overtime, don't you?' continued Elly.

'ahh... yeah, i almost forgot, i have reports to finish on that day too. and how about the book?'

'have you been closing your eyes all this time? i put it on your makeup desk when i came back from the fan meeting an hour prior your arrival, did you not notice? wow, i'm surprised that you did not sit at that table today as you have always been a fan of yourself in front of the mirror.' replied Elly.

'haa...i was exhausted of driving for a long time, i threw myself in bed right away.'

yes, Elly has the key to where i stay, i gave her one, in case of emergency when i took off on holiday last year.

'alright, i am not gonna interrupt you anymore, i have shows to resume watching now, i will get lost for a long time for the show marathon. night, sweetie' jokingly said her with the heart emoji.

'okay, bye.' as tired as i am to drag myself to the shower, i stay in bed instead, thinking of what Elly has asked about what is stopping me from giving myself a chance to love someone too, especially when Brad has been here all this time for me to take, i never reached out for him. i too, never actually found the answer.

But then, Elly does not know about Carl, i never talked about him with her, nobody ever knew about Carl even when we were dating, except for his best friend, Steve. Hence, Elly has no idea about the struggles i put myself through because of that guy. Carl is my top secret and i would want it to go that way, i want to take that to my grave.

I guess Carl is the answer of why i am being hard on myself and Brad. Carl is the enemy of those who wants to come up to me. Carl is like the Great Wall of China, standing tall and firm, blocking others's feeling.

Last but certainly not least, Carl is the source of my biggest regrets. Torturing myself is the reflection of my sin to him.

Throwback to the café scene,
Helyne talks,

Carl curiously stared at me. With all the wild in his eyes, he gave me a very familiar stare, the look I'm used to, he's interested.
With the eyes like that, so curious and mysterious at the same time, lords know that he could freeze anyone for seconds.

He couldn't remember, he can't be recognizing me after that accident.
Carl was in a car accident five years ago, exactly two weeks after our breakup. He was driving his dad's car at that time, so fast and without the license yet.
I also remember getting a call from Carl's best buddy, Steve, on the accident's day, saying Carl was in a serious condition, and it was drunk driving. The Carl I knew would not do such thing, yet, there he was, getting in an accident and all. He was in a coma. Steve told me to visit, he told me to at least get a glance at Carl, he told me Carl called my name in his sleeping state sometimes when he unexpectedly awoke for a short moment.

However, I never showed up. I never got my foot there even a secret glance at him. I never forgave him even he was in an almost-dead state. I was so selfish and reluctant, I only cared of my feeling. I may not be that bad to the point I'd hope he never woke up, yet I was so freaking bad that I'd not let him see me even if it was his last wish. Whenever I think of that, I get disgusted at myself that how could I have done such thing to the one who called for me even he had just experienced a near-dead situation. Couldn't I have more sympathy and humanity in me?

I regret not going there visiting him on those hard days of his life, I regret not showing up, and I regret being so selfish.
He was in a coma for two weeks and could stay alive only with life support, that's what I heard from people at his school. After waking up, he could not recall everyone but some. He could not even recall Steve who was by his side all those dark days. On top of that, he did not remember of my existence which Steve thought was a good idea, because why should he remember someone who would not care enough to pay her ex a visit, especially when he's in an almost-not-breathing moment? I thought the same way too. A someone like me should not be forgiven.

'Grrrrr Grrrrr....' Brad's phone was ringing which pulled me back to the presence, he then excused himself for minutes.
I immediately got out of my table and tried my luck on Carl of whether had he recalled or recognized who I was.

As I walked to his table, his eyes were locked on me. I almost forgot that he didn't recognize me because his look was too familiar, his look was too much of Carl, the one I longed for.

We talked, he was awkward as usual, it was hard for me to pretend that I have no idea of him when he's the same as I remember. It was confirmed he didn't remember my presence in his life. I am no longer in his head.

However, it satisfied me enough that we talked, I got to hear his voice once again after a long while, I got to see his smile again...

To actually think of it, it hurt so much not to be in his memory, yet, it wasn't a bad idea either for both of us, because that is the only way he could have a fresh new start. And I, too, could get on with my life without him.

What do you think? What did Helyne or Carl do wrong to one another? What kind of sin was that? Love? Cheating? Backstabbing? What was their story? What kind of path did they took to end up on this rocky road?