Secrets/ Problems

The First Secret

Something I will always hide from absolutely anyone no matter how close I am with you is me crying. Crying is something I do very often but hate when others around while I do so, I cry a lot, yet when I am doing so it is frequently very late at night when I know is awake. I have had times where I almost cry during school or when rough times hit me along with my family, but when these incidents occur I hide away in the nearest bathroom. I come off as a fairly strong or independent girl, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I am very emotional as I have been through quite a bit, suffer a few mental issues, and always put those around me before myself. I will name off incidents I personally have been through. 

#1. In this past year in early February  I was in my first period, this class was mixed with my grade and the grade below me. We all were going through a roller coaster of emotions from angry to sad. I sat by my close friends who I deeply care about, this also was an event in which would involve all my close friends and myself getting in a great amount of trouble. During this going on where I was comforting all of them we were also called out one by one to talk about said incident. The people I hang out with I know quite well, along with knowing how some would most definitely be beaten. As someone who I care about most came back from there talk, saying he may be sent away by his parents, I hugged him then quickly got up heading to the close restroom and locking a stall door I say against the wall crying my eyes out scared for myself and the friends involved. 

Something also I struggle with would be depression, when I am in a panic or shaken state I had tended to harm myself with a blade kept in a secret pocket I had in my jacket. Doing so on my upper forearm, after making several small cuts I washed off the blade with my tongue then returned to my group as if nothing went wrong. Once returned to my friends no questions were asked and it had seemed as though I was fine with all happening. 

#2. Last year in early to mid March, I was in my science class and talking to a oldish friend over passing notes. This girl was saying things along the lines of this guy(a mutual friend at the time) raped her and that she didn't know what to do, he said it was an accident, it was a one time thing, and stuff along those lines in which I quickly left using a hall pass to cry in the bathrooms. Knowing my past with this said guy, who I might add recently got transferred to this school when kicked out of the other for harassing people, he had molested me within the last week or so. Me and this girl both know he had a girlfriend which I personally had dated in the past, we confronted this guy saying things close to tell her or we will, we'll give you about  week and we did. But then I was talking to this guy and he called me a "medicine" which i got extremely angry about for very good reasons in my opinion. 

Before this guy started to attend the school I already knew him for 3 year, but about a month or so prier to him attending this school he contacted be randomly telling me these fake stories of how saw his own father murdered, he has killed someone, and even asked me to cheat on my girlfriend at the time. With all these going on once he moved I warned all my friends including my girlfriend to keep away, but knowing my girl she went and befriended him and this caused us to get into fight and broke us up. Then again cried over losing her for the second time (dated her once before) and to spite her I went and befriended him soon to be molested and hurt.

#3. The beginning of this school year I was sleeping over at a friends house and was up reading all night a story that was very touchy for me. Early in the morning she had woken up came and sat by me and a part hit where I just started bawling, she laughed thinking it was funny me crying over a fan fiction. Well in this story someone was dying of a tumor in the brain, this person who was dying had a family and was extremely loved. This touched close to home due to my great aunt who I was very close with passing of a tumor found in her brain. 

The friend mentioned in #3 is the only one I know I have cried in front of on two occasions. The time described and another where I was having sever chest pains and even then I had just teared up and went to the bathroom to let a few tears fall. I am very emotional and it takes a lot to get me to cry with people around.