I'm a mother fucking cat!! (Alan Ashby)

Cashby 5ever!

I'm so disgusted with myself, I knew I should have worn bandages, but no I thought I'd be fine.

When I realised that I was seeing Alan again a part of me thought I was going to be happy, and then when he asked to talk I thought I'd get the butterflies I used to but the problem with being depressed is you don't even know what makes you happy anymore, because happiness no longer exists in your mind.

This past year has killed me, I've pushed people away when all I really wanted when someone to hug me and tell me I'd be ok. Sometimes I'd get so sad that I'd completely shut down, I'd stare blankly at the wall, and I didn't matter what you'd say to me, because in that moment I wouldn't exist. Mistake. look at me. it's all I am. a big fucking mistake. what's so wrong with me that everyone leaves me?

"Silent?" I heard a sheepish ginger say from behind me,

"What do you want Ashby?"

"W-why? w-why w-would y-you do this to y-yourself?" wait is he crying? I turned around to see him staring at his blood covered hands crying,

"Alan" he looked up at me his eyes all red and puffy his cheeks tear stained, "the truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath ... I'd apologise for bleeding in your shirt" I felt myself being brought into a warm embrace, and in that moment, there in Alan's arms, even though we were both crying, I was bleeding, his hands were covered in blood, in that moment I found that happiness I never thought I'd find again.

"W-why are you doing this Alan?" and here I am again pushing people away, and literally now, he looked at me confused trying to bring me back into a hug, "no Alan! why are you doing this?" I snapped,

"I don't understand"

"Why are you hugging me pretending you care? I'm nothing! I was just another girl! I mean nothing to you!" I shouted,

"It's not true!"

"THEN WHY?"

"Because I didn't want you getting hurt I saw what Ben did to you because of us and I couldn't be the reason that happened again!"

"SO YOU LEFT ME WITH HIM!!!" And right there and then he broke, he fell to the floor and cried, and not as is the normal crying, full on tears streaming down his face hyperventilating loud sobbing crying, "Alan? Alan hunny please! PLEASE YOU'RE SCARING ME!" I didn't know what to do so I called the only person who would, I could hear the phone ringing,

"Austin?"

"Silent?"

"It's Alan"

"We're coming" with that he hung up, I knelt down next to Alan not really sure of what to do, so I just ran my hand through is messy ginger hair getting it caught a few times from where it was knotty but he didn't seem to care,

"It's ok Alan Austin's coming" I said assuringly, a few minutes later I heard Austin running over.

"Alan! oh my god Alan! what happened?" I heard Austin shout and he fell to the floor hugging Alan,

"I'm so sorry Austin we was arguing and he just broke down" I said crying,

"No no Silent it's not your fault Alan's been holding in his emotions for the past 5 years ever since I've known him I guess his body has finally given up on him" Austin said a single tear running down his face, he helped Alan stand up and got him to bend over with his hands on his knees, "ok alan I need you to breath slowly for me ok?" Alan nodded, "ok in.... out.... in.... out...." this continued for another five minutes before Alan completely calmed down, once Alan stood up he looked straight to me and then back down to his feet,

"I'm sorry you had to see that" he whispered barley audio able,

"Don't be Alan everyone has their moments, I'm the one who should be sorry I shouldn't have said that"

"You're right though Silent I shouldn't have left you with him will you come back to a hotel with me so we can talk properly and I can see the damage he's done to you as a result of my stupid actions"

"It's not your fault I didn't have to go back to him I chose to"

"Oh.... do you still love him?" he looked at me and I could see the hope in his eyes,

"No Alan I don't love him" he brought me into a hug and pressed his forehead against mine,

"I love you Silent" He whispered so only I could hear, "but don't tell Austin he can't know I'm cheating on him" we both giggled, I could see him moving closer our lips locked and moved in perfect sync, I missed the feeling of his lips against mine, I missed his warm embrace, I missed the feeling of his hands running through my hair, I missed-

"HEY THE GINGER PRINCESS IS MINE CASHBY 5EVER!!!" I heard Austin shout, Alan pulled away and we both laughed,

"I told you"