Lost Love Letters

Hi! I haven't really posted on here just about ever but I did a thing and edited it within a nightand wanted feedback so like let me know and stuff I don't bite :*

PS the girl is the italics and the boy is the bold, in case the entries are confusing or anything :*

***

I saw him today. I was so excited for high school, but seeing him just killed it. Last year I finally got away from that. I don’t want to fall for him again. I don’t even know if he recognizes me or remembers my name. I feel so weird; I remember everything about him, yet I feel like he doesn’t even know me. He used to know me, I know he did. I miss the person he was to me.

I saw her today for the first time in what felt like forever. I can’t believe I’m resorting back to writing about her. In middle school she used to read me all of her poems. I used to write my own in here, but now I can’t even bare to. I tried so much to stop thinking about her, just to pretend she was gone from my life, but its so clear that I can't live in such ignorance. She’s still here. She’s always here. I promised I’d always be there for her. Why would I lie to her?

He stood next to me today on the lunch line. We made small talk, like we had never been as close as we were. It was like my seventh grade year had never happened; all the mental breakdowns he had coaxed me through, all the promises, his name in my old phone as “My Big Brother Forever”…it was all gone.

We talked for the first time today. It felt weird. It wasn't supposed to seem so forced and formal. It wasn’t the first time we had ever talked, but it was like we were both completely different people. She used to be so confident and outgoing. Well maybe not confident, but she wasn’t afraid to be a little loud and maybe act a little confident. She was never confident. I wonder if she still hates herself as much as she used to. She’s beautiful. I wish I could tell her. I wish I had told her.

I hate missing middle school. High school is supposed to be all about freedom and finding yourself. I’m still chained and lost in the past. I wish I could let it go. He was never mine, why is this so difficult? I want to talk to him, maybe make an attempt to be friends, but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m trying to be more than that. I don’t care. I just want to be his little sister again. Well actually, not really, I actually do care. But I’d settle, especially if it meant getting over him. 

He started dating Bailey today. They’re the perfect couple, and Bailey is everything he deserves. She’s sweet and nice and beautiful. He’s the perfect boyfriend. After everything everyones says he's been through in the past, I'm glad he found a nice girl who won't fuck him over. Too often, I wish I could be that girl for him. I like to pretend he looks my way sometimes, but I know he doesn’t give me a second glance. I just want to get my mind off him. I wish I could just stop thinking.

Bailey’s so pretty. I wonder if I was more like her if he would’ve ever noticed me. I’m such a coward; I can’t even say his name. It hurts too much to lose someone, especially when you know they were never yours in the first place. I’d do anything to forget. I don’t want to think about him.

I drunk texted him. I couldn’t believe I let myself be that foolish. I wanted so badly to tell him. I wasn’t like puking and stumbling over myself drunk, just a little happy go lucky drunk. Another shot pushed me over the edge, but everything I said to him, I only wished I could’ve said to him sober. Everyone says he’s a horrible texter. He didn’t reply.

She sent me this long text yesterday about so many different things I could barely wrap my brain around. Of course, I was the loser who went to bed early and didn’t see it until this morning. I can't reply to her. She sounded so sad, just complaing about how she just wanted to be friends. I hadn’t realized how much we weren’t friends. I’m trying so hard not to think about her, for Bailey’s sake. Bailey the only girl who hasn't tried to play games with me. She cares about me, and I care about her, but that doesn’t mean I stop thinking about…her. Is that wrong of me? Is it bad I can’t even say her name because it hurts too much?