Hamilton One-Shots

I Feel Empty

Ship: Marliza

Warning: Suicide mention, depression, death, mourning

Prompt: It's been a week and Eliza visits her grave. Sequel to the last one.

POV: Third person

Eliza didn't cry at the funeral. Everyone kept looking at her like she should, but she didn't. She didn't want to cry either. She thinks that even if she had tried, no tears would've fallen. Which doesn't make sense to her because at first she was sad. She was the soul-crushing type of sad that Maria had once told her about. But now she didn't feel anything, just numb, like a gutted fish. That was how she'd felt at the funeral and so she didn't cry.

It's been a week since the funeral and a week and a half since they found her body in the tub, the water a dark red. Eliza was upset for a little that there was no note, but she didn't need one. She knew why Maria had done it.

Eliza walks past a few tombstones until she reaches the newest looking one, still a shiny white. It makes her upset because Maria always hated white. White symbolizes purity, and pure was something Maria never felt she was. And she didn't go out softly, a way that white would go with. No, Eliza thinks, that shiny white is not for slit wrists in a bathtub of blood.

She kneels in front of it and places the red roses at the base of the stone, stopping and just staring at it. 

"Hi," she breathes, finally. "I-I don't really know what I'm supposed to say. I've never done this before." She brushes away a strand of dark hair that has fallen into her face and let's the sun wash over her back. 

"We all miss you," she looks down and lets out a shaky breath. "I miss you. Every damn day. So much." She looks up at the sun. "It's starting to warm up. Like summer is finally here. I remember how much you loved summer. Remember when you made us all go skinny dipping on the Fourth of July and we got caught? I never told you this, but I actually had a lot of fun doing that." The wistful smile on her lips disappears and she feels a lump forming in her throat.

Eliza leans her head against the stone and feels hot tears leaking out of her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. She's crying. "I can't do this anymore Maria. It's not fair. It isn't fair that this happened to you and it isn't fair, what you did. And I'm not supposed to feel this way." She sniffles, and then her breath catches and she sobs. "I'm supposed to feel sad, right? But I just feel empty. Like I died with you, in that tub. Fuck--I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

She wipes her tears, but doesn't move her head away from the stone, still pressing her forehead against it like it will feel like Maria's hand brushing over her forehead. It won't. She knows that. "I keep looking for you at school. Sometimes I think I see you, but it's never you. And I keep thinking that maybe if I just ignore it, that you'll come back," another sob chokes her and she brings her hands up to cover her face. "You won't. You're gone."

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Maria. Everyone can tell. They all treat me like I'm broken." She squeezes her hands into fists. "And I am. I'm broken." She curls in on herself and sobs for what feels like an eternity, wishing so fucking hard for Maria to just be there, standing behind her. But she isn't and she never will be again.

Eliza looks at the stone, her tears falling slower now. The dates on the stone are too close together, she thinks. "People aren't supposed to die after sixteen years..." She looks up again at the sun. "I think summer is coming." Her voice is soft now, unbelievably so. "I think you'd like it."

She stands, ignoring the dirt on her dress. "I'll come back soon. I'll bring you more roses." Then she turns and walks out of the graveyard, her tears dry. She knows she won't cry again until the next time she's here.

AN: Yeah so.... ripped your heart out, didn't I? I ripped my own heart out too.