How The English Language REALLY Got Butchered

Prologue/Intro

[3/29/14. Any author's notes will be in brackets. For the most part they shouldn't be necessary. Anyways, I just thought I should note that I would NOT consider this one of my more serious works, this is just a joke kinda thing. Enjoy :)]

Prologue/Intro

So now that you are here I think I know what you are thinking. How did the English language get butchered? Some may be thinking 'I didn't even know the English language got butchered!'

Those of you who think that clearly don't have any social media things, or the only people you text are your parents or anyone older than 40..... I guess you will learn a lot from this book.

Anyways back to the problem.

For those of you who do recognize the fact that the English language was butchered, you are in one of three groups.

You're either in the 'I have no idea how such a tragedy could happen' group, the 'I think I know how this happened' group, or the 'I really don't care' group.

If you are in the 'I have know idea how such a tragedy could happen' group, then don't fear. You are about to find out a whole lot more than you know about the tragic day the English language was butchered.

If you are in the 'I think I know how this happened' group, think again. About 99% of you in this group really don't know what happened. You are just making mindless, uneducated guesses. As for that 1%, I don't know what to tell you because I haven't met or found anyone close to your intelligence on this topic yet so I have no judgement. And don't lie to me, you know what percent you are.

If you are in the 'I really don't care' group, then I have one simple question: Why are you reading this book? In other words, save yourself some time and stop reading now. It also saves me time because I have less hate comments to read and reply to.

Now that you know what group your in.... Well I don't know I guess you now have a better grip of reality and maybe a little encouragement based on what group your in.

I don't mean to be Captain Obvious, but the people who are in the 'I have no idea how such a tragedy happened' group clearly don't really play a role in the argument about how the English language got butchered.

I guess the same applies for the 'I really don't care' people, but they shouldn't still be here anyways.

The 'I think I know how this happened' group is who's been stirring the pot.

The 99% of this group has been launching so many conspiracies and theories that I can't even count them all on my fingers. I'll have you know I have ten fingers, just in case you thought otherwise.

Back to the subject.

I've decided to take the main ones and present to you how factual and possible each one is. Because who doesn't like facts and statistics?

Theory #1 - Bratty 11-12 year olds

Now if I learned anything from school, 11-12 year olds can be the most obnoxious, bratty, and immature things on the planet. Yes we were all of those things when we were 11-12 years old. Yes, I'm admitting I was an obnoxious, bratty, immature kid when I was 11-12 years (in fact, I was all those things before I was 11 years old. Which I hate to admit). And if you are 11-12 years old, yes you are all those things most of the time. If you can't admit now, you'll admit it eventually (like I just did). And if you aren't 11-12 years old yet, than you will be all those things. I'm not saying you'll try, but it'll just happen because it always does.

So with all the stereotypes of 11-12 year olds, people easily blame them. There is some reason behind this theory.

In short, if 11-12 year olds don't have an iPhone, they most likely have a phone. I guess there are some exceptions but like the original, non-butchered English language, there are exceptions to a lot of rules.

One thing teachers I've had hate is that kids text a lot. It messes up their English because they are so used to abbreviating things like.... well you know what.

Most adults call this 'text language'. In fact most people, call this 'text language', except for a lot of the people who use it. They call it English.

Now those people are completely wrong. It is 'text language' but some people are so used to it that it just seems like English to them. So in short, the butchering of the English language could possibly be because these kids don't even know it exists.

And as some of them grow up, their mentality doesn't change.

The problem with this theory is that only about 20% of the U.S. population is made up of people from the ages of 0-14. [Yes I actually did look this up. I did a simple google search. I only cared to note the U.S., because as diverse as it is, most of the country speaks English.] I find it unusual that only 20% percent of the whole U.S. could butcher and destroy a language. Then again, it's the U.S. Anything can happen.

Theory #2 - Lazy People

We can all admit that there are a lot of lazy people in the world. What we all can't admit is that we are a lazy person.

Once again, I will admit something: I am a lazy person. If I wasn't lazy, this book wouldn't exist.

One thing lazy people like to do is abbreviate. This is where the problem comes in. These lazy people go from abbreviating some things to abbreviating everything. All this constant abbreviation and laziness can start to rub off on other people. They might go 'huh, abbreviating is a lot less work and effort!'

Before we continue, if you are a lazy person (admit it), and you do this ridiculous abbreviating stuff, just stop. I may not believe that it actually butchered the English language, but it is still quite annoying.

Now, along with lazy people there are the non lazy people and to make a long story short, I believe there are enough non lazy people to out rule lazy people.

That and I feel the power of non lazy people is valuable enough that no one notices or cares what the lazy person does.

So if a lazy person is trying to butcher a language, no one should really care.

Theory #3 - Aliens

Aliens don't exist.

And if they did, I doubt that their main mission would be to butcher one language out of hundreds.

Also, we shouldn't be letting space creatures influence our speaking skills. They aren't from our world therefore they don't know our language so that should play no role in how WE speak OUR language.

Theory #4 - Obamacare

Republicans made this theory. Big surprise.

I guess I'm more surprised that the filthy rich Republicans cared about the English language. But whatever, this is America, anything can happen.

But really, before I get into the whole 'Obama's from Kenya' thing, in fact I won't get into it at all, I'm pretty sure Obama didn't secretly become president to butcher the English language.

Obamacare also has nothing to do with butchering languages or even languages at all. All it does is give people insurance who otherwise couldn't have it.

So anyways, those are just theories. After months of research and reasoning, I have brought forth what happened the day the English language was indeed, butchered.

Prepare for your device and mind to be blown, because shit is about to get real.

[3/30/14. Sorry if there are any spelling mistakes or if the layout or something like that seems out if whack because I typed this ALL on my iPad. Like I said earlier and will say again, I do NOT consider this one of my more serious works.]