Qui- Gon Jinn couldn't sleep. Every night he spent some time trying, but in the end he decided to walk the need for rest.
He didn't understand it. As a Jedi, he was used to sleeping anywhere, in all sorts of conditions. He had slept in cargo holds and spaceport hangars and on a pile of droid parts. He had slept four hours in the middle of a field during a driving rainstorm. When he needed sleep, he told his mind to empty and his body to unwind, and they obeyed.
But in the past, he'd never had to deal with his heart.
He had done the forbidden. He had fallen in love with another Jedi Knight. He had pledged himself to her. And she had died. He was paying a price he was glad to pay, because those few days of loving and knowing he was loved were worth it. But how to put his heart back together? Tahl had changed him. She had made him whole, and she had broken him with her death. Qui- Gon could not figure out how to reassemble.
So he didn't sleep. He and his Padawan, Obi- Wan Kenobi , had been at the Jedi Temple for weeks now. Yoda had called them back for what they'ed expected to be a briefing for a mission, but there had been no mission. "Need your Padawan does days of reflection," Yoda had said. "Important they are as days of action."
There had been much action lately. Mission after mission. The Senate was fractured, torn apart by special interests, by warring clans and alliances.
There seemed to be plenty Qui- Gon and Obi- Wan could be doing, but Qui-Gon did not want To cross Yoda, so they stayed. But the weeks at the Temple only made Qui- Gon's sleeplessness worse. He walked the empty halls at night. The glow lamps were powered down to a soft blue, making it a restful time to stroll. It seemed that every hall, every room, held a memory of Tahl, but he didn't court those memories. He tried to allow his grief to be his companion, not his master. He opened his mind and simply walked.
He found himself, at the end of a long night, back near his quarters. Qui- Gon hesitated. He was not ready to return to his small room and stare at the walls.
"Glad I am to find you awake." Yoda scuttled forward, leaning on his hummer stick.
He blinked at Qui- Gon. "And why, my friend, does sleep not find you?"
Qui- Gon did not want to discuss his heart with Yoda. He loved the Jedi Master, but he did not want to confide in him. He had never told Yoda of his feelings for Tahl, and there was no need for Yoda to know how close Qui- Gon had come to violating the rules of the Jedi Order. So instead of the full truth, he said, "I find peace from walking."
"See I do many things in you," Yoda said. "Peace was not one of them."
Qui- Gon didn't answer. He didn't shrug, or turn away, or drop his eyes. He knew Yoda would read the unspoken message. I am not ready to talk about this.
"Need a mission now, you do," Yoda said.
Qui- Gon nodded. "And you have one for me. It's about time."
Behind him he heard soft footsteps. The smell of rich tea came to his nostrils- his favorite, a blend from the leaves of a sapir plant, green and fragrant.
It must be near dawn, then. Obi- Wan had taken to brewing him tea and bringing it to his quarters in then early morning. Qui- Gon had gently tried to discourage him; he didn't want his Padawan to wait on him. But Obi- Wan, in his own stubborn way, kept showing up. Qui- Gon was both irritated and touched by this. Obi- Wan didn't know the details. But he was eighteen now, old enough to make a good guess as to what had happened on Aspsolon between his Master and Tahl. He could sense the depths of Qui- Gon's sorrow, and he felt he had to do something to help, no matter how small.
Qui- Gon could feel him hesitating now, back behind a pillar. He did not want to interrupt his Master's conversation with Yoda.
"Step forward you may, Obi- Wan," Yoda said. "Concerns you, this does."
Obi- Wan came out of the shadows. Yoda took in everything in a glance- the small teapot on the tray, the steaming mug, the expression of concern in Obi- Wan's eyes.
His gaze returned to Qui- Gon. In that gaze Qui- Gon read the truth. Yoda knew of his nighttime walks. Yoda knew of the tea Obi- Wan brought every morning. And perhaps he even knew about Tahl. How could Qui- Gon have forgotten that there was so little that Yoda did not know?
Yoda had not called them back in order to give Obi- Wan a chance to reflect. He had called them back for Qui- Gon's sake.
"Not ready I am to let you go," Yoda said. "Yet let you go, I must."
