Smiles Hide The Truth

Life

The first time I cried in front of the mirror I was about 7or 8. I remember being that young and wandering why I was born. I had a good life. Mom, dad, sister's brother's. My parents got divorced when I was little, but it didn't really effect me. I just remember being sad. Really sad.

As I got older it got worse. In 7th grade I had thoughts of self harm. I had negative thoughts about myself.

I was fat, that was a stupid thing to say.

All of 7th grade I heard of people hurting themselves, and thought of how bad that was. That it is so unhealthy. And that it was so sad to see such young people hurt themselves.

I guess it was cool if you cut, or tried to commit suicide , in 7th though 8th grade.

I always thought it was sad.

I always thought about doing it.

But I didn't, I thought about if anyone saw, they would think I was doing it for attention.

After 7th grade, summer came. I didn't see my friends every day, didn't talk to them at all. It was just me and my thoughts.

I still remember the first time I cut, enough to draw blood. It was with a box cutter.

I cut and I didn't see red, so I did it again. Six times I did it. on my right arm. After I was done it started to bleed. There was a lot of blood. I had a Alcohol wipe and cleaned it.

That night my mom came home and I was wearing a hoodie, so my mom didn't see. It hurt so bad when it rubbed against the fabric.

I think the worst thing is no one notices. Or they do but don't care.

And it was because of me wanting someone to know, that made me think that I was only doing it for attention. But that thought only made me do it more.

School started back up, and I think that I can't wait to see all of my friends. But when I see them in the halls it's like I'm invisible. They all kept in tough during the summer. I didn't. I was out of the loop.

I slowly started to fade in the back round of conversation. The only person I talked to really was my friend...let's call her Sara. I only talked to Sara.

There was this one buy on my bus, Let's call him....Gary

Sara and Gary were the only people I talked to.

Because of my thoughts I would cut myself. But I started to do something else to. I started eating less and less to the point were I didn't want to eat. I was hungry sometimes, but I detracted myself and it passed. I never went pass three days though. After three day I ate, then I felt bad about doing it and stopped eating for another three days. And it went on.

My friends always asked were my food was at first, then they just didn't care. I tell myself that they changed, but I think it was me.

And if Gary or Sara is reading this, and put two and two together. Don't talk to me about it. Please. That's all I ask.

At one point I smoked. It lasted for about a week till my mom found out and talked to me about it. It was then I told her about the cutting to.

I could see it made her sad. So I stoped. Then I started it again.

Towards the end of 9th grade I got closer to Gary. As friends. But I have always liked him.

But a little while after that, we started dating. I wasn't cutting anymore, or smoking. But I still had thoughts, I still didn't eat. As much.

During that summer we moved. Only houses I still went to the same school. me and Gary were able to talk to each other. I still wasn't eating over the summer. Well I tried. But after awhile I thought,  "is it really that bad to eat?"

So I ate. When school started for 10th grade, I was a new person. Had a few set backs, I am not friends with Sara anymore. She said she didn't care if people kill themselves, as long as it didn't effect her. I couldn't be friends with someone like that. And she thinks that she is better then anyone else.

But I made new friends, I wasn't fading anymore I was living!!

It has been so long since I felt it.

I still get sad, almost hurting myself, I remember my mom and how she looked sad, I remember me. I would always see the scares and be disappointed in myself. And I don't want to be.

I'm not going to lie, I had a set back and smoked, because I couldn't find a blade. But I told my sister as soon as I did it and she talked me though it. I haven't done anything else.

And I'm proud of myself. 💜💜💜💜

I'm not sure why I had to write that...but it made me feel better. Thanks for reading. I guess....😉😄

Rose-