Death Before Dying

Free

What have I done?  This can’t be happening. I grabbed the bottle closer to me, taking another drag of my cigarette. Looking over the edge of the bridge at the roaring waters, I let the tears flow freely. Thinking back over the letter I left him, the one I left my mother. Telling them not to mourn me. I didn’t deserve to live after what I did. I think about him, Nathan. What I wouldn’t give to see him smile at me again, for everything to be the way it used to be, before I ruined it with my selfishness. I remember the look on his face when he found out I cheated. Not just cheated, but with his best friend. Tom. I let my mind wonder to him if only briefly. With his short, dark hair, his dark eyes, showing me the pain he felt. Nathan didn’t even know everything about Tom. But I did. He told me everything. He felt that it was his fault his parents were dead. That his little sister was dead. He never told any of the boys the things he had done, but especially not Nathan. I never really understood why he told me. Why me? He could have told anyone but it had to be me. He told me about the drugs, the sex, the cutting. He told me about the dealer that he owed money to. That was why they were dead, he said. Everyone else thought it was a random break in. But he knew, and now I did to. I also knew that Tom had found the dealer and that no one would ever see him again. I helped him get rid of the body. He called me freaking out. Said that he just couldn’t take it and had killed him. We threw him over this very bridge. This very spot where I am standing now. That was the night that everything went to hell. That was the night I told Tom some things that no one knew about me. Not my mother, not my friends, and certainly not Nathan. See, I knew the dealer very well myself. I had my own reasons for wanting him dead. I also owed him money at one point and like he found a way to get it from Tom, he also found a way to get it from me. I told Tom all about my shame of being raped, repeatedly. Not just by the dealer, but by his friends. I told him about how I went home, scrubbed the filth off my body, climbed into bed and pretended like nothing ever happened. I told him about how the next day I went to Nathan’s and told him I was finally ready to sleep with him. I also told him about how I cringed every time Nathan touched me but I wouldn’t let him see. I told him how I cried afterwards, when Nathan was asleep. That night, Tom held me for a long while. Took me back to his house. That was the night that we betrayed Nathan for the first time. That was one year ago tonight. Thinking about everything that had happened in the past year I didn’t realize I let my cigarette burn out until it was burning my fingers. I didn’t care about the pain though. I relished it. I deserved it. I phone vibrated in my pocket. Taking it out and looking at the screen, it was a text from Tom. ‘Where are you?’ it said. I contemplated ignoring him but knew that I couldn’t. Before I could change my mind I typed out ‘The place where it all started’ and hit send. I knew he would be there soon. Knew that I should do it before he got there but I couldn’t. I needed to see his face one last time. Somewhere, in everything that had happened I had fallen in love with him. More in love with him than I even was with Nathan. That’s why I had to do this. I had to end it. I sat in silence for a while. Not thinking, barely breathing. I had abandoned the bottle some time ago. Hadn’t even opened it. I wanted to be completely aware of what I was about to do. Wanted to feel everything. I deserved it. I destroyed them. All of them. Now I was going to destroy myself, for them. I didn’t deserve them. They didn’t deserve what I did to them. I heard his bike. ‘Soon’ I thought, looking to where the sound was coming from. Finally, I saw him. He parked and started toward me. “Don’t come any closer Tom.” He stopped at my forceful tone, holding his hands up in surrender. “Babe, what are you doing out here? Everyone’s worried about you? Nath is climbing the fucking walls.” I looked up sharply when he said the name, “You didn’t tell them where I was did you?” He shook his head no holding his hand out to me. I looked in his eyes, giving him a sad smile “I’m sorry Tom Tom. Tell them not to be sad ok. Tell him I loved him.” By this point I had climbed onto the side of the bridge and his eyes widened in shock, “Come on, your drunk. You can tell him yourself. Just please come back with me. Please! He can’t lose you. I CANT LOSE YOU.” I couldn’t answer him for a moment but finally got my voice back, “I’m not drunk. I’m completely sober. I just want to be free.” I looked him directly in the eyes then, “Just remember Tom, it was you. It was always you. I just didn’t know till it was too late. I love you so much.” With my final word I lifted my hand and blew him a kiss goodbye. Turning around quickly on the ledge I opened my eyes wide before leaping off. I spread my arms wide and flew and for those few moments before hitting the water I was completely happy. I didn’t hear Tom whispering his love back to me. I didn’t see him getting back on his bike. I didn’t know he would go to his house for his gun. I could never have imagined that he would go after Nathan, killing him but I suppose I knew that he would come back to the bridge. Where it all started. I also knew that he would climb on the ledge and follow me into the dark depths of the river and that he would finally be free as well.