I'm sick of this constant cycle. I can barely remember the boy I used to be; I used to be happy, joyful, adventurous but now I'm just numb.
I'm tired of being fearful to show how I really feel, repeatedly aggravated by those voices in my head insisting I harm myself or kill my self, " you're worthless" they say " pussy, just do it already" , " end it all ,you have nothing to lose" they said on a daily basis sometimes they sound like whispers and others it feels like pressure in my brain and it's impossible to describe how it feels.
Usually I block my ears to try and calm them but they are still roaring in my mind. I don't want to eat, I can't sleep and I don't even want to be around friends or family incas I disappoint them.
It's like this every day for a fortnight or so and then my brain just clicks and I'm back to what seems like reality but again this is only temporary.
All throughout my life , as far as I can recall, I've been judged or made to feel guilty about showing how I actually feel inside. Either by family or friends. I've tried to overdose at least three times and I sometimes cut but only to feel pain rather than grief but then I regret it and I hate my life even more.
I don't know why I feel this why or why I am in this cycle but I give up. I give up trying , I give up altogether.
I have no idea how to tell my family about it , heck I don't even speak to them about anything. I'm easily broken and even though I may not show it I am.
Every morning with out a doubt I check social media for likes or messages and just seeing the numbers gives me a glimmer of happiness and then the voices kick in. My mum caught me once trying to block them but all she said was " there's nothing wrong with you stop being ignorant and spoilt !" At that moment I do badly wanted to tell her but I just knew she wouldn't care.
What really bugs me is when people say to me " you're so skinny" or " wow how do you get so thin?" As a boy this hit me hard and makes me hate my body even more than I already did.
I get really depressed and so I don't get motivated to work out and I sometimes purposely skip meals or go without eating because when I do eat I feel fat but only on my stomach. I feel my arms are too small but my stomach is too big so I skip to lose weight.
Ughhh I just want to die I've had enough of life. People with forget about me eventually anyways.
