Growing up, I realized that I wasn't as attractive as the others. My body was not shaped like the others or like an hourglass & I felt insecure about it. I came to the conclusion that my ass was too big, cheeks too chunky, eyes too small, nose too big for my face. I lost in touch of my own beauty in such a young age.
It felt like people knew my physical features more than myself. The imperfections that they pointed out were features I wasn't even aware of. & it killed me to think, "Wow, it must bother them so much. I need to hide this" or asked God why I have so many imperfections & why I couldn't just be considered attractive.
Before any of my insecurities existed, I'd say to myself that I could be that girl in that shampoo advertisement & I was just as pretty as her and my hair looked way longer and silkier. That I could sing better than any of the singers in ASAP. My stepdad giggled at me although I knew he believed in me. I could see it in his eyes.
I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I was nine, asking myself what I would look like when I'd turn fifteen or sixteen. If I would look better than what I looked right at that moment. The mirror I was looking at was cracked, broken, & it hasn't been wiped ever since we bought it. It looked really dirty. & That's when I realized that although my reflection wasn't as clear and it was dirty, I could think myself that I am still beautiful, but I didn't believe it in my heart.
When you look at a fat kid, you would think of cake, chocolate, and many more varieties of sweets that will make everyone gain tons of weight. I was that kid that everyone looked at as the fat kid. Surely, they didn't just pop out of nowhere and tell me "you're fat". Now, as a kid I played a lot of games with my neighbors & I remember precisely when the Martinez family offered me to come over at their house to play wrestling. I was a big fan of wrestling back then so I accepted the offer. I was thrilled because the Martinez family had this bedroom where you could jump from this wood three feet from above the actual bed. I was up next to jump & next thing I know, I broke the Martinez's bed. The four of them had to sleep in a broken bed until it was fixed and I felt awful. I never jumped in a bed ever again from that point.
