Tainted Love

Copyrighted. 

Intro

There’s nothing quite as disappointing, so achingly beautiful when you realize that the person in front of you is never going to give you more and the reason you know this is because you know that person so well. That’s where I stood as I looked at him; right on the edge of heart break. It killed me, he hadn’t done anything, and how could I explain to him, that it was what he couldn’t do that left me empty. Would he argue? Would he tell me that he could or promise that he would. And most importantly would I believe him despite what my heart told me.

 He rolled his cigarette so intently only looking at me as he wet the paper with his tongue. I didn’t know if it was because he was so sensual that it made me think impure thoughts or if those thoughts were always there and they just needed a muse either way they filled my head. Or was it because for some reason I couldn’t comprehend he found me as attractive as I found him. His eyes were hooded as he took a drag and blew it out the corner of his mouth impatiently as if he couldn’t wait to be finished so he could roll another. He took another drag then leaned off the bed to reach the ashtray before stubbing out his cigarette and coming back to me on the bed. He crawled on all fours till he was on top of me and I tipped my head back to look at him. He brushed my hair away with the back of his hands and kissed the edge of my mouth filling my senses with him. The smoke on his skin, the heat captured by the proximity of our bodies and the sound of his uneven breathing; I didn’t need to have my eyes open –I had his face, his expressions memorized. They alone were enough to have me ready in a heartbeat. The way his eyes half closed and unfocused when he was thinking about me, the way he couldn’t tear his eyes away when I was changing and finally the way he closed his eyes when he was at his peak then opened them right after to look at my face. But he didn’t understand that I wanted to be able to do that to his mind, not sexually of course, but I wanted a deep connection there too and, well… it wasn’t there, only the possibility. But a life together isn’t built on what ifs and that was what I had realized just moments before. I couldn’t stop the tears from escaping the corners of my eyes and when he felt them he stopped –worried no doubt, he was so sensitive. But once again physically, the one area he had no cause to worry.

“Are you alright? Did I hurt you?” he asked pulling back to look me over as if he could see some visible sign of injury.

I couldn’t stop the laugh even though I was crying and he smiled gently realizing what a silly question that had been. I wiped my eyes and he pulled his shirt off and I felt my heart crush a little bit more under the weight of my revelation. I swallowed the lump in my throat and let him pull me up against him lifting my arms as he eased my shirt off as well and all the while I wondered what I would say to my mum when I saw her again.

Afterwards I left him smoking to have a shower and finally be able to cry, silently of course as I leaned against the wall. The end wasn’t supposed to be like this. There wasn’t supposed to be an end for us, we were supposed to be soul mates.