Cold Bed

We were walking down a broken pavement, stepping and hopping on the disjointed bricks, his fingers were entwined with mine. I stared at him and his smile, which stretched from one ear to the other.

"Stop staring, Sophie!" He laughed, he was black haired, with ice blue eyes and pale skin. His blue eyes were a treasured inheritance from his mother. His two younger brothers, Jack and Trevor had the same pale ice-like eyes. It was beautifully captivating.

"Nick, it's hard not to." I laughed. Suddenly he pulled me, "Hey, what!?"

He smiled, "I need caffeine." I probably had a dumbstruck face hence he pointed out Starbucks which was located a few steps away.

"But I don't want coffee, it's bloody 3 a.m!" I screeched, but he pulled harder.

"Okay, okay, I will come, jeez!" I followed him, I took a seat by the window as he ordered a hot black coffee for himself and a chocolate latte for me. He got the drinks, plonked them down on the table and then sat on his chair. He rubbed his hands together. It was winter, but he wasn't exactly dressed for the weather. He was wearing a white thin v-neck t-shirt with grey drawstring pants. I had come over to his house for a movie night, but he had decided an impromptu run to Starbucks. I, on the other hand was wearing my red military jacket with black tights and Uggs. I was as cozy as I could get. He wasn't.

He took a sip of his scalding coffee, "So I have been thinking about Jane." He stared at me over the cup of his coffee.

I froze, Jane. I hated that bitch, she was a girl who was desperate for attention, Nick's attention and I didn't want to give it to her. But Nick had been dating her for a year and I felt like punching him for that.

I sipped my latte nonchalantly, "What about her?"

"Well, we have been dating for a year, and I was thinking of maybe giving her a ring. I don't want her insecure and all." Nick said.

I immediately got up, "What?"

He smiled, "What's wrong?" He chuckled.

I grabbed my latte and left the store, I knew I shouldn't have done that. But I loved him, we had been friends since we were 5 and now we were 25, twenty years together could not result in this. I began to walk fast, and I could hear his footsteps, "Sophie! Wait up!"

He probably sensed that I wouldn't slow down and ran to my side, he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him, "What the hell? I expected you to be happy for me."

I forced out the words, "I am happy for you." And began walking in the opposite direction. I felt his arms pull me back again, "Stop this."

"Stop what?"

"Whatever you are doing right now." He gritted his teeth.

I pulled off the cap of my latte and threw it on his face. And I ran.

The Starbucks outlet was located close to the beach, I went there and sat down on the cold sand. My tears had begun to flow. We had known each other for twenty years, I thought we would have something, but nope, nothing. He went and fell in love with a brown haired, green eyed, freckled girl with dimples who was way more beautiful than what I could ever be in a life time. She wasn't desperate for attention, not really. It was just my hate that made me feel like that. I always thought that me and Nick would end up together, the way it did in the movies. But I guess not. My heart ached for him, he was my best friend and I would give anything, to have him as my boyfriend. We were best friends even though I wanted more. I was too afraid to ask, but I guess you could say that I was always sure. Ever since he started dating Jane, I saw him now and then but my feelings never changed, and he went and fell in love, he left me standing in the rain. And I was very cold. Beyond reach. The pain could rip my body apart yet, I would try to make him a part of me. But now, never.

I felt strong arms pull me up, "What the fuck?"

It was Nick, his t-shirt was discarded, he was now standing topless on the beach in the freezing weather, and his drawstring pants were the only item of clothing he had.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Sophie?"

"Are you serious?" I asked and pouted, "I have spent twenty years with you Nick, I thought..."

"You thought what huh? That you and I would end up together? That you'd be the one walking down the alter and I'd be there at the end of the aisle? What have you been thinking?"

I laughed, "I have been thinking exactly all of that, I thought that you and I would end up together. As buddies, as two people who are married, as everything locked in infinity and eternity but here you are running off to a slag who barely gives a shit."

Nick slapped me, "If you had the courage to own up to your feelings maybe then you and I would be ending up hitched to one another, but no. You always expected me to make the first move. Why should I? Why did you always expect me to be the one to own up? Why not you?"

I punched him in the chest and kept punching him till he grabbed both of my wrists and pulled it behind my back.

"Stop," he warned, "This is your fault and now you have to see it through."

"My fault?" I croaked and started to cry, "Nick, I love you, but I can't do this, I can't come to your wedding and be happy for you. Not when I know that I could have been the one in the white dress. I can't pretend to be happy for you, I can't look at the kids you have with Jane and be happy about that. I just can't."

"Do you think it will be easy for me when I see you getting married and being touched by a man who just ain't me? Do you think I will be happy with Jane?"

"Nick, I told you five years ago that when you feel like marrying someone....I told you that if that girl wasn't me....I told you that I didn't want to know, I told you that if the girl wasn't me, I didn't want to know her or her name. Yet, you didn't keep what I said in mind." I struggled through the heavy sobs that racked throughout my body.

"Won't you be happy for me?" He asked, he was sad, I could see it and hear it.

"You say it is not easy for you, why don't you leave Jane? You will never be happy."

"I can't Sophie, life doesn't work that way." Nick said and ran his hands through my hair, he kissed my forehead.

"It can, it does, please Nick. Please!" I said.

"Look, Sophie, you can either choose to be a part of my happiness or you can walk away, from me for good. You choose and yes, this is an ultimatum."

"Non posso stare senza di te. Mi fai impazzire. Per favore, stay with me."

He kissed my cheeks, "Lo so. Ma non ti amo. Non posso, mi dispiace cucciola. Che non è possibile."

And with that he left.

I fell to the ground and felt my heart ripping apart. It was disabling it really was.

***

I woke up, covered in sweat, it was just a dream, a really bad dream. I started to cry.

My bed was empty, there was nobody, and I didn't have a boyfriend. I was 27 now.

Nick had passed away in plane crash a few years ago. He was on his way to England and the plane had exploded due to a short circuit in the motor. He was succeeded by me.

Jane broke the engagement a few months after it had taken place. Nick was 25 then.

When he was 26, he realized the mistake he had made and he had asked me to marry him, I said "in time" but we had moved in and we had begun to live like a married couple. One year to the date of his proposal was when he died. I missed him, I did everyday. I had lost a part of me, a limb, a body organ, something I couldn't live without. When the news of his death reached me, I went into shock. I was limp and numb for months and months altogether. But then I realized, this wasn't the way he would have wanted me to live. I had to honor him. I picked myself up and removed the broken shards in me. The scars had healed but they were still there.

I loved him, I really did, but most of all....

I missed him.