Buttercream Imagines

20: Our Broken Child

You never realise how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

*Trigger warning*
•••
(Joe)
Bens pov

I done it again. Another worthless scar-to-be to add to my collection. No one understands, no one. I may only be 12 but im not stupid- i know when people are lying to me which seems to be more often now, apart from the people and teachers at school always saying im not good enough. I believe them.
Mum and Dad- also known as 'The big stars of youtube'- were at meeting today. Im not sure what its about even though they did tell me. I just tend not to listen when they talk about work anymore all seems pointless to me, making people happy when we're all going to die. Making viewers laugh when they don't even know how to truly smile.
And there it goes, another part of me spilling out as i make another cut.
I always thought self harm and suicide were for weak people until it was the only option i had left. Its hard you know. Thinking - no, knowing your worthless and in the way but everyone just keeps telling you you'll get through it and everything will sort its self out. ...But how can you 'get through it' if you don't where it began?
"I'm worthless." I say into the bathroom mirror as the bath is running "Too fat and in the way. Not fit and athletic like the others..."

Your pov

Me and Joe just got back from town getting things for Bens 13th birthday in 3 weeks. The house was oddly quiet only the sound of running water coming from upstairs. I walk to the bathroom to be met with a giant puddle, water still spilling out from the door. Oh god.
"JOE!" I shout from the bathroom where i was met with the sight of my son laying in a bath of his own blood.
"Its okay honey, you're going to be okay." i say to the lifeless body i am cradling in my arms. My son.
"JOE!" i shout again and he races up the stairs and gasps at the sight.
"Hey buddy, you're going to be okay. Don't worry everythings fine Ben." he picks Ben up from the bath and i call for an ambulance
"Please Ben, your going to be okay" Joe cries as he carries him to the ambulance.

*At the hospital*
Your pov

Me and Joe were sat in silence in the waiting room of the place no one wants to be. Ben is in surgery, he lost blood. Too much. And no ones if hes going to survive. I will kill all of the fucking dicks who made us be in this situation. I could lose my son because of one child. One child who was insecure and felt the need to take it out on someone else- and others joined in. People don't feel suicidal and self harm from their own thoughts, people put things in their head and change the way they think and see themselves.
"Mr and Mrs Sugg?" a nurse asks and we immediately stand up. "Come through."
She leads us through corridor after corridor and into a small room
"Im sorry" she says with sadness laced theough her voice "We did all we that we could but nothing that we did was working and i hate to have tell and i know you don't deserve it"
"Y/n!" Joe shouted but it was all fading away into darkness, but not the nice darkness where you can escape to. The unsettled darkness that doesn't feel right.
...
"Y/n" Joe said again, shaking me
"Y/n wake up it was just a dream." i open my eyes to see Joe looking over me
"Wheres Ben?" i ask flustered
"Who? No y/n it was just a dream-"
"It wasnt a dream" i say sternly "You're supposed to enjoy dreams not nightmares. Wheres Ben?"
"Y/n, calm down," he says rubbing my arm "This isn't good for the baby-"
"Baby? What baby" i ask confused but i avert my stomach the same as Joe "Oh- that baby."
"He hasn't been born yet and its our first. So, there isnt a Ben you dreamt about. Just calm down."

•••
Im absolutely shit at ending stories 😂🤦‍♀️ They always end so abruptly so, sorry. Anyway--
A/N note- This was a really hard story for me to write, i suffer from diagnosed depression. i self harm (but im now 4 months clean now (i think 😬) which is the longest ive been and im really proud of myself for it) and have almost committed suicide. Writing and reading about depression and suicide brings it all back and everything that ive put myself through. I thought i forgot about it, at least not thought about it but i guess it all has to come back at some point.
I was lost. Ive been lost so many fucking times now that i cant even remember where the start is.
- Eloise x