What Am I?

Introductions

It's cold here, so cold. I wish I brought more than just a sweatshirt to keep me warm. That was my stupid mistake, of course. 

Everything is my fault. 

That's not my moral code, it's my dad's. He thinks he sees 'athletic potential' in me. When our team loses, I get a verbal beat-down. No, he doesn't call me names. He tells me how shit of a player I am. 

"You need to be faster."

"You have to get better at passing."

"Why are you so slow on the field?"

Etc.

I think my dad doesn't realize how seriously he take rec. (recreational) league soccer. At least he acknowledges that it's a team effort, and when we fail it's not just because of me. When a team loses, it's because the team didn't work well together. Most kids or coaches of a sports team can tell you that. What I think my dad feels, is that he has the need to push all the bad feelings he has onto someone else to make him feel better about himself.

I'm sorry to just jump full head-on into the story like this. I owe you an introduction.

First, I'll start with where we are. As mentioned above, it's fricken freezing here. We are in...my mind. My thoughts. I'll give you some insight on what it looks like here. It's a wasteland. The area is crowed, but barren at the same time. An ocean of knee-high water covers the sandy floor for as far as the eye can see. The water is freezing. A wonder that it hasn't turned to ice. The ceiling is low and dome shaped. Only 7 feet from the sandy floor to the domed glass ceiling. Although the ceiling is glass, it's very sturdy. Impossible to shatter or even scratch. There is no sun. No moon. It forever remains night, with only the stars out to shine. There in no temperature here except for the lack of one. Which means, it's cold. How cold? Well, try sticking your hand in a bucket of ice water for more than a minute. That's how cold. (Please don't actually do that, it hurts.)

Now that I've bored you with that, let me introduce who I am. Or what I am. (Ha ha, shameless self-promotion for my journal based auto-biography.) I was born female, but I am not. I'm agender. I use they/them pronouns, and really need a short haircut because my hair is a rat's nest and I don't like looking extremely like a girl. I like to dress in gender neutral clothes, which means clothing that's tailored to both men and women. Usually I wear men's shirts and women's jeans/jeggings. Lemme tell ya, women's jeans are SUPER comfy. Now only if they had actual pockets...

I used to wear a binder that I made out of a camisole that was very small and tight on me. I don't wear it anymore since I've stretched it out so it doesn't work anymore. And it also hurt a lot. Besides, I'm lucky because I'm so flat-chested that it actually doesn't look like I even have anything. My shirts don't conform around my chest area at all. (I know, tmi, I'm sorry)

Anyways, I have light grey eyes with some flecks of ice blue in them that makes them look ice blue or light grey depending on what color shirt I wear. My hair color is copper, and I hate it. My skin is the palest pale that will ever pale. I can't tan, I burn. Also, I'm attracted to girls which makes me lesbian and straight at the same time...yeah...it's kinda weird. And, I'm a beanpole. I have hips (kinda) and long arms and legs. Which makes me look strange since I'm only 5'2". As a result of this, my friends constantly joke about my height. I'll get my revenge one day, just they wait.

My birthday is January 9th; I'm currently 14 years old as I write this in 2017. I live in the United States of America in the state of Wisconsin. I have a mom, a dad, and three brothers. My oldest brother is Blake, he's 22 as of now (July 2017) but will be 23 in December. He's in college to be a chemical engineer, and this fall begins his last year of college. The next brother, McCoy. McCoy is...complicated. He's 20 (July 2017) and currently works as a cart collector at a hardware store. He's still figuring out what he wants to do for a career. The last brother is Trae. His personality is hard to understand, like mine. We're both INFJ's. Trae is 18 (July 2017) and will be going to college this fall. He's going to be an Astro-Physicist. 

And me...? Well, I don't know. I'm going to be a freshman this fall (July 2017) and honestly, I'm nervous. I like science and I'm an artist, so I'd like to find a career that combines both. I mostly draw, but I also paint occasionally.

If you've read this far, then thanks. It means something to me that someone out there actually cares. 

So, let's talk personal. I have severe depression and mild social anxiety, which sucks. I'm allergic to tree pollen, cats, and stomach medicine. Because of previous anxiety I had in 7th grade, my stomach is sensitive to acidic liquids and greasy foods, so I can only have two cups of juice/coffee/soda a day at most. In 8th grade, my anxiety was pretty much gone. Then along came summer, and I started having panic attacks and now have fully relapsed. So yeah, that's really fun. I'm scared of thunderstorms, tornadoes, snakes, frogs/toads, heights, and failing. Not in order. I like any kind of music except for rap, death/heavy metal, and certain kinds of pop.

Oh, my name? I can't say my real name on the internet, but I will tell you my name translated into another language. 

It's Karuri, but that's too feminine for my taste.

Karu

You can call me Karu.