You Have No Idea

?

          8th grade. Well this was the grade were I was a complete outcast, more than  was before. I had no friends what so ever and every single person in the entire school hated me. I was shoved into trash cans and I was bullied beyond everything.

          Near the beginning of the year I would say and tell myself that this year would be better and no where ear as bad as my other years in school. I told myself that every year and every year I was wrong. Each year got worse and worse. Every year and every day I would just hope and pray that people would stop treating me like I was some kind of trash on the floor they can kick around and do whatever they wanted to do with it. But you see its funny, back then I saw myself as the piece of trash. I excepted that I was nothing and that I deserved to be treated this way. I thought that all these people weren't just doing this for laughs and because they could. I convinced myself that it was what I deserved and that there was nothing that I could have done to stop it because I thought that it was something that was supposed to happen. I thought that I was just the person that had to deal with this stuff because I was ment to and there was nothing I could have done to get away from it.

          So I lived with it and I just learned to deal with it. Of course I know now that was fucking stupid but you know what, that's what kind of kid I was.

          In the middle of the first semester I found a teacher who gave a shit. She was the only teacher that has ever came up to me at my lunch table where no one else sat and she said to me "You know when I was a kid I was treated the same way and you know what I did? I did nothing but smile and walk away. I did that and people saw how much I didn't care how people talked and acted to me and the other kids started talking to me. I ended up having friends  and one amazing friend who I'm still close with today." I smiled at her and asked her how did you know that I don't get treated like all the other kids?  she smiled back at her and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. It must have fallen out of my binder or something and I can remember that I had drawn on and written so many things that now I cant even remember but I do know that I did write what I really did fell like. It shocked me to see how someone who was older than me had been through...until I asked her something one day. and everything came crumbling down again. I was in her classroom during lunch and I asked her if it was normal and okay for a girl to like other girls. She looked and me and what she said broke my heart. Her face looked angry and disappointed "why would you like another girl, that not right." I tried to blow it off but she ended up calling my parents and telling them what I said. I felt so betrayed and hurt that I shut everyone out. My teacher tried to talk to me again but I wouldn't talk to her ever again. And ever since then I shut everyone out. I shut out my teachers, my family and anyone else who would try to talk to me.

          Until the second semester.

          The second semester was when things finally started looking out for me. The very first day this one girl came up to me. She saw how sad and miserable I looked and thank fucking god she did. she was the one person who showed she gave a shit and she showed that I could have friends. of course during that time I was self harming and I wanted to end my life but for some reason seeing that one act of kindness from her was so amazing  that it made me feel a little less worse about myself and I saw that I maybe just maybe have a life and get other friends and that maybe not everyone hated me and that there might be some people that are like me. She put that little spark of hope in me, a little spark of hope that I haven't had since I well I've never had that before. This was a first and it was awesome.

         Her and I went along to become friends  and I ended up having a crush in her and I ended up telling her. I was expecting rejection and for her to tell me to screw off but to my surprise she didn't tell me to do any of these things. she said something that I will never forget. I thought you liked boys, I didn't know you liked girls." I was still expecting backlash and I was so scared of what she would say. She saw how scared I looked and she laughed and said this..."you don't have to be scared, I have plenty of bi and gay friends and believe it or not for some reason a lot of them like me but that doesn't change my relationship with them. I'm not gay and I don't like girls but things wont change between us just cease you like girls or because you like me. I still care about you and you're still my friend."

          I swear without her being so supportive and with ever meeting her I would have killed myself by the end of that year. Thanks to her I'm still here. thanks to the friends that I got from knowing her I'm alive right now. I owe everything to all my friends and I wouldn't trade anything for them.They mean everything to me and I still have no idea why they are my friends but god dammit am I happy that they are. Without them I would have been dead cause of my dumbass killing myself. And thanks to them I still stand here to share my story. Thanks to them I'm alive and happier than ever and thanks to them I came out and are more comfortable than I would have ever been. So thank you friends. Thank you for everything