Roll Of The Dice: Live For Love

In February of 1979, when I was barely 12 years old, my father and I went fishing. It was a special time for me, since dad and I just never quite seemed to get along. We spent the entire day together, and we actually talked. I will never forget what he told me that day.

He said, “Son, life is all about the roll of the dice. You will roll that dice many times, but, be careful that it doesn't, one day, end up on the floor.” It's meaning, however, would not become clear to me until 25 years later.

Three days later he was gone. He had gassed himself in his car, while my mom, 2 sisters and I were sleeping peacefully upstairs. At that tender age you blame yourself. What did I do to make him want to leave? If only I had known what to do to make him stay. Of course, as young as I was, I would never have understood the reasons for my father committing suicide. Only as an adult would I find myself in his shoes, and, finally, feeling empathy for the man who left us without warning.

The day I met Cassandra was, for me, the day my life really began. It's funny how you can walk down the same school corridors, be in the same classroom and cafeteria day after day and, yet, not really see someone. Not until, one day, fate intervenes and you have no choice but to take notice. I was on my way to gym class. My mind was all over the place and, at 17 years of age, I thought I knew everything. I tried everything, from alcohol to drugs, to sex, but none of it meant anything to me. It was just a way to pass the time. I wasn't watching where I was going and, before I knew what was happening, I walked into a wall. Or, at least, in my state of mind, that's what I thought I had done. I rubbed my forehead and looked up and, instead of seeing the dirty cream wall of the corridor, I looked into the face of an angel. She had the smoothest, palest skin I had ever seen, with freckles seemingly dancing all over her nose and cheeks. I must have stared for at least two minutes before I realised that her books were lying all over the floor.

“I'm so sorry,” I said. “I should have been watching where I was going.” I bent down to collect her books.

“Thank you,” she said in a croaky voice. “I must be honest, I wasn't watching where I was walking either.” She looked down at her feet, sheepishly. “Mom said I should have stayed home today, and I guess she was right, as always.”

“Why is that?” I asked, “I mean, why did your mom tell you to stay home? Are you ill?”

“Sort of,” she replied. “I caught the flu this weekend while out fishing with my cousins. They ask me each and every time to go with them and, usually, I decline, but for some unknown reason, this time, I decided to go. I should have guessed I would end up paying for it in some way.” She giggled and I smiled.

“Yes, I guess Murphy likes to do that sometimes.” She looked at me with a puzzled expression, but, after a moment, she seemed to understand what I meant.

She smiled then and said, “That's true. My name is Cassie, by the way.” She reached out her hand and I shook it awkwardly, “Hi. I'm Steven. Steven Conway.”

“Hi, Steven.” She let go of my hand. “Well, I better get going or I'll be late for class. It was nice running into you.” The pun of her words made me smile, before, taking her books from me, which I didn't realise I was still holding, she walked away. I watched her go and it felt as if the light was walking out of my life. That day I met the woman who was to become my wife, and the mother of my children. I never did get to gym class, but I found meaning. I found something to live for. Never, in my wildest dreams, or nightmares, did I think that I would stand to lose it all, because of a single roll of the dice. A decision I would regret so much I would rather die than live without Cassandra, Bettany and Joseph.

After that fateful day in the corridor, I discovered that Cassie was in my Biology class. I made a point of speaking to her before and after every class for 2 weeks, before I finally summoned up the courage and asked her out. We dated for nearly 6 years before I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Two years later, on 17 October 1992, we were married in a private ceremony with only my mother, her parents, my two sisters and her younger brother present. It was the most poignant day of our lives and, thinking back on it, I don't think we had ever been happier. A year later Cass gave birth to Bettany. She was a beautiful child, just like her mother. They say a father is always protective of his daughter and, on that life-changing day, I understood it. I felt it. If anyone would dare do anything to hurt my little girl, I would surely break them in two with my bare hands. Her brother, Joseph, arrived 3 years later. At last a son to go to the ball games with, to play catch with and to take on fishing trips. My life was perfect. I loved my wife and my two children dearly, they were my world. We were the postcard family for a further 7 years. Then, I met Melissa.