I used to lay in my bed, 3.56 am, feeling weak, suffocated and trapped. It was like i was stuck and i couldnt do anything to move past my struggles.
Anxiety for me is like when you fall down a stair. You know that tingling feeling in your stomach when you fall to your death in your own home? It feels like thay but the feeling never ends, it keeps tingling, and its not a good tingling, its one of those tingling feelings that makes you want to rip your guts out.
My eyes hurt, my tummy growled, i smelled like sweat.
None of my friends were messaging me and i was way to dysphoric to write first. I totally understood why no one texted me, i always left them on read anyway.
It was late, my friend wa sleeping on the floor in my room. She had traveled a long way to see me and i was so happy in the begging. She was supposed to stay here for a week but as the days went on i became more and more depressed. I stayed up longer and longer. I silently cried in my bed more and more but i didnt tell her about it. She'd take it personal which wasnt my intention at all.
I dont know why im writing this, ive never been good with words, i couldnt come up with smart lyrics or nice messages which would help my friends in need.
Is spent the whole summer in my bed feeling sorry for myself. Thinking about how horrible i had it because none of my friends cared for me. How fat and ugly i was.
One day it became to much for me to handle. It was around 4 o clock in the morning, i grabbed one of my hoodies and then i snuck out. I ran as fast as my underweight weak body could torwards the woods whom i loved close to. Behind the woods there was a small lake where i used to bath in when i was younger. During those sleepless nights i always used to imagine my self drowning there,no one would find me and it wouldnt be too hard either since the lake was very cold and deep.
I stood in front of the lake surronded by darkness and i little bit of light coming from the sun that was rising. I took up my phone and opened "memo". I multiple messages on it. One for my parents and siblings, one for my best friend and enemy, one for my friends and one for my crush who also was my best friend. I had already decided what i would write about when i ran to the deep, cold lake. When i was finished i took of my shoes and put them before the lake. I then put my phone in one of them and then i walked out torwards my own death.
As soon as the water hit my toes i shivered. I smiled lightly to myself as tears flowed out of my eyes, staining my cheeks. I walked until the water was up to my shoulders. My whole body was aching, i lost control. I couldn't move, my legs broke down upon me and my whole body was now drenched. I tried to swim torwards the surface but ny body wouldn't move. I had my eyes open but i couldn't see anything. The cold water was biting onto my skin, it almost felt like i was burning. I started to scream for help, water started to enter throught my mouth and nose, filling my lungs. The water entered my body and refused to leave. I breathed out my last breath as water filled ny lungs to the brim. My whole body was frozen, i was laying down at the bottom of the lake slowly but surely dying. My ears started to ring and my head hurt. Even tho i was not able to see i could tell that my vision became blurry.
I was weak, pathetic, ugly, bony and dead. At the bottom of the lake the once happy and bright girls body was now resting, lifeless.
