Why Now?

I guess this will just be like an intro and whatnot. Most will probably be in a first person POV. I think I'll talk about myself and my life and then maybe make some chapters stories. I will probably write some in more of a fiction or fanfic way instead of real life stories so you get the gist of how I feel. Just testing this out.

--------------------------------------- So why now? After all this time...yes, Junior High was Hell but I never even thought about killing myself until deep into Junior year of High School. Why now? Things are getting better for me...somewhat. I'm a Senior. I'm going to be graduating very soon and I could've been at a university at 16 going on 17.....but no.

I should've just stuck to my dad's plan since the day I was born: Get A's. Don't get in trouble. Be athletic. Become beautiful. Go to WVU for business and marketing. Marry by about 20 to a Caucasian American male and have him completely involved in the wedding. Go to church every Sunday. Move to Pittsburgh and hold shares in Mexico and other places. My dad would be living like a king (without my mom) on an island and hold shares in Florida and whatnot. I will have about 4 birth children and that's it. Then, die.

Guess what.....pretty sure THAT'S not how this is going to happen. There's tons of reasons behind my belief in this.

1. I'm in Love with music so my plan can't really involve WVU for my transfer. I hate the idea of money and how it controls the world so I really don't think business and marketing will suit. (I'll try explain later)

2. I hate church. The hypocrisy and inconsistence basically kills me. I cannot do it anymore. Don't get me wrong, my religion is my ALL. I'm very dedicated to Yahweh as Father but I do things a little...differently. (I'll elaborate later on)

3. I don't want my parents anywhere near my future family. I might change my mind with my dad one day but he's old and will probably die before then. But, my mom will NOT be involved (so many reasons I'll state) in my future. I'll probably tell everyone I'm an orphan or was adopted by another family I know.

4. I want more than 4 children. I think it is my duty to give back. Even though I pretty much hate babies and am afraid of little children, I know that things will be different. Kids just happen to really like me naturally. Also, I want to adopt and be a surrogate for friends.

5. I'm not athletic. I'm not on any teams and I hate p.e. (Wouldn't one think that physical EDUCATION would be teaching us things instead of just making us run around like sweaty idiots?) The only thing athletic about me is my taekwondo. (I'll elaborate on that)

6. I am so super sensitive.....and I'm cursed....so I'll never be beautiful. I've tried pretty much everything and I'm at a loss. I'm at my whit's end.

7. I don't tell people no. I've gotten in trouble at school because people can say things and frame me and I'll just pretty much take it. (I have a few good stories). I get in trouble for things when I'm not even doing anything because they know they can get me in trouble.

8. (My favorite #.....it just worked out this way naturally, I swear) I REALLY do not want to marry a Caucasian American male. I like dark meat...but I couldn't really bring myself to be with a mixed or Negro or hispanic boy. So there's really only a few more options (lots to say about this)

So.....those are some things that have made my life Hell.....that I can't help that much. Tell me, would you rather be exactly how your parents want and you live a closed life of misery.....or would you try to break out?

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I tried. I promise I'll do a lot better in the future. It's just this thing is kinda like venting right now. This whole thing will probably have a different feel throughout.