I couldn't sleep that night. The burning image of that god damn pier was stuck in my head as I tossed and turned sleepily. I couldn't bring myself to relax, and I hated myself for that. Reaching over for my phone I look at the alarm clock, sighing at the red numbers that read out four fifty-three. I turned the flash on my phone, searching my bedside table drawer for that one particular object.
Smiling simply, I lift the blade that once belonged to my sharpener in front of the light, watching how it shimmered slightly. I sat the light where it would shine on my thighs and wrists, bringing the blade down to the delicate skin that wrapped around my body. Slowly, it danced gracefully along me, drawing pretty patterns as the lines went in every direction. It was almost like I hypnotised my self with the image engraved into my thigh.
Moving it from my right thigh to my left, I decided to write what I felt. A few swift movements here and there, and soon there were words sprawled out across my leg. Worthless, die, faggot, insane, more. I craved the feeling of pain that it caused, so I continued on my wrists, not getting enough.
The pain was overwhelming, but I loved it so much. Watching the blood slowly pour out, I was finally satisfied, throwing the blade at the wall that was covered with drawings, photos and posters. I scanned through the faces that stared back at me, feeling as if I let them down. For some reason I regret it, but I don't at the same time. I'm glad I did it, and I know that no matter how I feel, I'll end up doing it again, and again, and again until one day I can only go over the faded scars of other times.
I shook my head as my phone died, tears slowly slipping down my face as I laid down. "Stupid, stupid, stupid." The words that I muttered to myself were barely audible as I screwed my eyes shut, trying to force myself to sleep. Nothing was working, it was like my life was just stuck in this one moment and it was fucking impossible to move on.
I put my phone on charge, playing my sleep playlist as soon as the screen lit up. Before I knew it my eyes were growing heavy and I was nearly taken by sleep. Slowly, my eyes fluttered shut, and I felt my body shut down to the voice of Tyler.
The sun rested on my face gently, waking me up at about six in the morning, the pain of last nights events slowly travelling back to the areas as the dry blood caught on the loose threads of my bedsheets. I looked down at my bare thighs, noticing the already scaring words that only made me feel worse.
I powered through it as best I could, getting up to get changed into my black jeans and long sleeved shirt before ripping my phone of the cord and walking out of the room. By now, I was already facing the entry to the green filled forest, the space left in the bush where I always pass through awaiting me.
Pushing past the bush, I few sticks and twigs create scratches on my face, but I don't take notice of them as I continue walking until I hear the faint sound of the rushing river. A few more steps and I was sat on my rock, my shoes now soaked as they rested limply in the water.
I looked around, startled by the imaginary figure that I saw. It was him, alive and well right on the other side of this lake. Not caring if I got dragged along by the fast moving water, I stand up and rush over, sitting next to him once I make it over safely.
"I thought you were dead?"
"I am."
"Then how come I can see you?
"I can't tell you that answer now, but you'll find out sooner or later."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course you can."
"Am I dying?"
"Well, everyone's dying. We're dying with every step we take. We're dying with every breath we make."
I stayed silent as he reached down and let the water smash up against his hand, making him smile slightly as some of it splashed up onto his face. His eyes contained life, but I knew it wasn't really there. His skin was nice and smooth, but I knew that underneath he was just bones.
"What are you thinking about?"
"I'm thinking about how much I miss you."
"You shouldn't miss me. We'll see each other again, I promise you."
I sighed, shaking my head as he gave a confused look. Instead of answering, I stood up and walked deeper into the forest, hearing the sound of crunching twigs and leaves follow closely behind.
"I need to be alone."
"You are alone."
I turned around, no longer seeing him behind me, the sound still circling around me, but there was nothing. My mind was racing, still trying to comprehend what just happened. I was dizzy and not able to walk in a straight line, but I still ventured further and further, leaning on trees for support.
"I'm sorry for leaving you."
His voice was haunting me, a flood of images clouding my mind and they were all about that god damn pier again. Him and that pier. Why couldn't they both just leave me alone? I want to be alone. I want to be able to not hear his voice. I just want him to be here, smiling and laughing right next to me as he held my hand tightly, swinging it back and forth to see how high he could make me stretch. Instead, I'm left with the pier, his voice and myself.
What a dangerous combination.
