The girl

July 15th 2017

To whom it may concern,

Before we begin you should know this about me.

1. I am a prick and I am the bad guy around here.

2. Don't try to find to me. You can't even if you tried.

3. I once loved a girl. 

I am not sure why you are still reading this. If you are. Or if maybe you are throwing it away. Which would totally make a lot more sense. These letters concern number 3 A girl I loved and once used to love. Maybe to get the outside opinion of how our story transpired. 

Or maybe I am just a selfish bastard who likes attention. Or maybe I am completely crazy. Both bery logical ideas of what I could possibly be. But I think number 1 sums it up pretty well. I am not the good guy.

So keeping that in mind. Let's start at the very beggining of all this. I guess about a story about her.

I met this girl when we where young. We where both in school. Since a young age I had always been not very liked by my fellow classamtes. I was reserved and did not speak much. I preferred to just look and observe. Initially I never talked which meant that I got a lot of teacher's attention. Their constant wide toothy smiles. The manner their voice tone changed completely while I stared at them emptily. I guess they thought that I was a bit slow. But when I did talk and made it very clear that I did not wish to interact with them or anybody else. They left me alone. I guess I scared them a bit.

I guess we officially met during the pigeon incidence. There once was a time we played outside and I saw some children huddled around soemthing. I was not sure what it was so I got closer. There I saw a tiny pigeon. Laying frail on the ground. It's eyes wide and wondering. It's chest raising and falling. With It's grey weathers and slight pink complexion . The kids just stared at it. Some where talking about what happened or what to do. But I was not listening. At that moment there was just me and him. And I felt like that pigeon was talking to me directly. Pleading me with his eyes. To help him with each sruggling breath. I was no doctor or vet but I knew that it was not going to get better. So I grabbed a rock and without hesitation. I smashed the rock at the pigeon. I could hear screams in the background. Other idiot kids shouting at me and some even ran. To tell the teacher but I conitnued until there was only a bloody mess left and I could no longer see his eyes.

And that was when our eyes met.  I had previosuly dismissed you with the rest. Just another little annoying girl. I mean you stood out. In a small school with a 99% white population. But you always played with the others and you were always curtious and just like any other girl. But while you where staring at me. I searched in your eyes and you where not horriffied or scared. You where intrigued. A bit curious and for the first time in my life I broke a gaze. I couldn't stand it anymore. Those eyes borrowing deep almost as if you where examining my soul and I looked at the pigeon's carcass. My bloody hands. I then tried to look back at her again but she had stared at the pigeon and then back at me. A tiny smile spreading on her lips. Only slighlt and subtle. Till this day I still wonder what she was feeling at that time.

I guessed I never asked her but I should have. Maybe I did not ask becasue after the incidence I landed myself in a lot of trouble. my teachers where horrified and my parents where called in. Like always I got myself out of the situation telling my parents that I thought that the pigeon was in pain and that seemed to placate them. But it did not placate the other parents. In small schools stories catch fire and blaze and before I knew it all the parents knew that I was the pigeon killer. Probably a psychopath of some sort. When they saw me. I could feel their eyes staring at me while I stared back they would quickly look away and countinue their duties with their child. You know I am quite a quick learner and after that I knew that killing small creatures was wrong. I kept it at  the back of my head. I know you are maybe thinking that I am a psychopath. I know that animal cruelty is one of the triad. I have thought about it for a very long time. Has objectively as I can, I do show all the dark triads traits. And I have scored highly in the psychopath checklist but I shall tell you only once. That I am not a psychopath. That I show psychopathic tendencies but I am not one.

But if any good came from the pigeon incidence it was that we grew closer. Like that tiny moment that the pigeon no longer breathed and it was just us. It wass the first moment we really shared. After that I made sure to just observe her more and more. Until we became some sort of friends. That she would often sit next to me and start drawing. Both of us sharing the silence. She was less annoying than the other kids.

This little girl. With short braids covering her face. With milk chocolate skin. Was my friend. My first real friend and probably the only person I will ever truely love.

Yours,

Gabriel L.A