Streams of consciousnesses

Strange and more than a little painful memories flood my brain on this cold Alaskan night. Life’s weird. Here I sit no more than 2 years from the suicidal, angry, hopeless person I was. I’ve changed so much I barley recognize myself. But for every ounce of change I experience the world around me changes by gallons. Graduation is swiftly approaching and while I imagine I should be feeling hopeful, excited, and ready for my future I can only feeling a nagging sense of…….I’m not sure. I’ve searched every inch of myself to try and find words for the feeling but none come to me.  I think the word that most closely defines it is fear. Simple and alarming fear, but also so much more. But I can’t place what the more is so I’ll stick to the fear. I’m afraid of what comes next. I know this sound stupid and that any normal person would be giddy at the thought of the future. But I’ve never been normal. I try to think out my next steps but can’t. Every time I try my mind fogs out and frantically lunges onto the next subject that can use enough of my brain power to keep me away from thinking about it.  Lately that’s been a lot of mind games. These games usually consist of long periods of Meta thinking or advanced scientific properties or seeing how far I can push people with simple words. Not exactly the most productive use of time or energy but it’s enough to keep me sane. The damned part of it is that I know I do need to get around to taking those first few wobbly steps of my real life. But I can’t. I’m trapped in a form of mental paralysis that I don’t know if I can break. With every passing day this lull grows shorter and shorter. I can only prolong it without problem for maybe another week or two, 3 at most. I find myself combing over the past few years with formulaic and detailed thought but so much is missing. I’ve gotten the idea in my head that if I can just find the missing pieces and put them back together I can finally solve this puzzle and it’s not leaving. Sometimes I contemplate walking. Not towards anything or anyone but simply walking. Just keep walking and walking until I come to a place that can give me a purpose. That’s it! The feeling. It’s a deep and unbidden purposelessness. I have nothing in the way of a purpose in life. I find myself growing angrier and more withdrawn with each day. Everything seems to piss me off lately. I see happy smiling people and the bitterness wells up inside me and I have to turn away before I punch through a wall. Every time I roll out of bed I wonder why I do. What’s the point? I keep wondering this as I trod down the stairs, shower, shave, eat if we have food, and walk to the bus. I’m usually able to sleep on the bus which keeps me from wondering but then I have to wake up and hop on the next bus before arriving at school. The question stays with me all throughout school. I no longer find the inkling of joy in my afterschool classes that I used to. Now they like everything else makes me angry and sad. Then I repeat the schedule in reverse and collapse on my bed. If I’m not suffering from writers block at the moment I can manage an hour or 2 of writing but usually I just watch mind-numbing TV or youtube videos. Well anyways my stream of consciousness is starting to trickle to a stop. To who so ever is reading this I apologize for what is no doubt a jumbled incoherent mess. But I also want to thank you for sitting through it. Now I’ll pass out and skip school just to break the cycle. Goodbye.