"You know what, I don't even know what to feel anymore."
I look at him. He's staring right back at me, but it seems that he's not here. He's standing only a few inches away from me, but it feels like his thoughts are flying somewhere else.
Of course, it's still her.
I laugh at the thought bitterly.
It's me who's in front of him right now.
It's me who's baring my heart and soul to him at this very moment.
But still, it isn't me whom he's thinking about.
It's. Still. Her.
My knees are beginning to weaken as the weight in my chest grows heavier with each second that passes. I don't even know where I got the strength to continue speaking.
"I really don't know what to feel about being your second choice."
Hearing these words, it seems that he has woken up from his trance. Finally, I thought. He was about to open his mouth as if to speak, but I didn't even give him the chance to.
"Should I be sad? Because I'm less valued? Because I'm less important to you than she ever was?" I pause for a while because it's getting harder to breathe.
"Or should I be happy that at least, I was still considered? Because at the very least, I was still given a chance?"
I give him a bitter smile.
"At first, I admit, it was all okay to me. The set-up was fine. I was all right being your second choice," I look down to my feet for a while. I then realize it was a wrong decision as I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, so I look up to see his face once again. "Heck, I was even so happy because after all that I've done, after all that I've went through, finally, you decided to look my way."
"So for you to even consider me? An evil, conniving, narcissistic brat?" It takes a great deal of courage for me to finally mouth these words. "I swear... I was so happy that you've finally noticed me, Kim Donghyun."
Even speaking his name now sends a shooting pain in my chest.
"But why is it that with every single day that passes by, my doubts start to get the best of me? My insecurities suddenly attack me?" I look away because never have I thought I would be able to say such words out loud.
"I used to feel so secure about myself," I say. "I know I'm pretty, rich, smart. I'm all that. People either love me or love to be me. I used to be confident because I know I'm very likeable." I pause for a while.
"But why? Damn it, why? How can you make me feel this way?" I then bite my lower lip to stop it from quivering.
My tears now start racing down my cheeks, and I make no effort to stop them as I silently hope that he'll make me face him directly. As I hope he would brush away my fat tears. As I hope he would hold my hand to make me feel his own's warmth.
Never have I prayed so hard in my life before. But that moment, I wish he'd see how much I'm hurting. How much I long for him. How much I wish he loved me back the way I wanted him to.
But my heart breaks even more as I realize he's not doing any of these.
So I use all my remaining strength to cup his face as gently as I could so I'm sure he's looking straight to my eyes this time.
"Donghyun-ah...
How can you make me feel this worthless?"
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Hi!
Okay, first of all, I'm sorry I just completely left without a single word and now that I'm coming back, I'm not updating Mean to Me and instead, I'm giving you this one hell of a confusing story. LMAO I'M SO SORRY
But do know that I am already working on the next Mean to Me chapters and I promise to update lots this week!!! Please wait patiently :)
Please give this one lots of love too, because the nation's first love deserves all good things in the world too!
Thank you so much and I've missed you all!
