Diaries :Journey from hatred to love

Zaroon 7th April

Aaj maine pehli baar Kashaf ko is tarah dekha. Woh kabhi toh is tarah moam nahi hoti mere samne ya kisi ke bhi samne for that matter. Phir aaj Kya hogaya? Woh mujhse mohabbat karti hai woh main janta hoon par is qadar? Mujhe yakeen nahi tha. Usne kuch kaha nahi par uski ankhon ne bohot kuch keh dia. Aur ab mera jana aur bhi mushkil hogaya hai. Woh kuch keh hi deti toh shayad main thoda mutmayeen hojata. Yeh pura hafta toh woh phir bhi theek thi. Is hafte ko main hamesha yaad rakhunga magar.
" Kashaf.."
Office se aa kar maine use awaz lagai.
"Kya hua?Tum kab aye?"
"Bas abhi abhi.Kaha thi?"
"Lawn me."
"Lawn me Kya kar rahi thi? Aur tum aaj jaldi agayi office se mujhe itelha bhi nahi ki. Woh toh Nasir ne mujhe bataya ki tum already nikal chuki ho. Tumhari tabiyat to theek hai na? Aise kyu chali ayi?Maine call bhi kiya par out of reach araha tha."
"Woh mujhe todha kaam tha. Ghabrane ki koi baat nahi hai. Mujhe kuch cheezein leni thi bazaar se aur office me kaam bhi nahi tha. "
"To mujhe keh deti hum ekhatte chalte. "
"Magar tum to masroof the."
"Khair itna bhi masroof nahi tha ki chand pal apni biwi ke liye nahi nikaal sakoon. "
Maine uske haath ko thamte huye kaha.
"Khair ab to main le ayi jo mujhe chahiye tha waise bhi yeh 3 mahine mujhe akele hi katne hai. To abhi se practice hi kar loon."
"Bas teen mahino ki baat hai yaar. Hume pata bhi nahi chalega kab nikaal jayenge wo teen mahine. "
Maine use kuch cheer up karte huye kaha.
"Tumhare nikal jayenge mere nahi."
Usne kuch naraz hote huye kaha.

"Acha to kaise guzrenge tumhare yeh din?"

"Woh tumhe janne ki zaroorat nahi hai."

"Kyun bhai?"

"Kyun ki tumhare to bade maze mein guzar jayenge. Toh tum mere dil ka haal kaise samjhoge?"

Usne meri odh dekha. Kuch bheegi thi uski palkein. Ek ajeeb si takleef ek ajeeb si kafiat huyi.

"Mere haath mein hota toh main kabhi na jata. Par main majboor hoon aur tum bhi warna tumhe na le jaata main? Mera ek ek pal waha kaise beetega iska main tasawur bhi nahi kar sakta. Jab tum saath nahi hoti na toh duniya ki sabse haseen cheezein bhi berang ho jati hai aur tum kehti ho mere din bade maze mein guzrenge. Sahi harkat nahi hai."

"Haan meri harkatein sahi kab huyi hai?"

"Kya ab hum yeh ek hafta bhi ek dusre se khafa hokar guzarenge? "

Uske bahein pakarte huye Maine pucha.
"Main khafa to nahi hoon."
"To phir?"
"To phir Kya?"
"Kuch nahi. Khana laga do badi zor ki bhook lagi hai."

Yeh ladki bohot ajeeb hai. Ise samjhna mushkil hi nahi namumkin hai. Izhaar se itna darti kyun hai? Khair sab log ek tarah ke toh nahi hote.

Hafta humara kuch isi tarah se guzra. Pehle toh sirf Kashaf ka mood kharab tha par jaise jaise jaane ke din kareeb ane lage mere liye bhi yeh cheezein bohot mushkil hogayi. Humare beech beetein bhi kuch kam hi hogayi. Shayad kyun ki hume samajh hi nahi araha tha ki hum kahe toh kya kahe. Shayad dono ko ek dusre ke samne tutne ka darr tha. Asmara sahi  keh rahi thi "pure Laila Majnu wala behaviour hai tum dono ka. Pata nahi is tarah se bas ghurte kyun rehte ho ek dusre ko? Jo dil mein hai woh kaho na. Apne feelings zahir karo."

Par shayad har cheez ka apna waqt hota hai. Jaate huye main Kashaf ko akele nahi chorna chah raha tha isliye maine use Abba ke ghar drop karne ka faisla kiya par usne meri baat kaha manni thi? Jaate waqt kuch aisi baat kahi ki main use mana bhi nahi kar paya. 

"Khud toh ja rahe ho . Yeh ghar jo kam az kam mujhe tumhare pas hone ka ehasas dega. Yeh saari cheezein jo mujhe har pal tumhari yaad dilayengi. Tum in saari cheezon se bhi dur kar ke jaoge mujhe?"

"Kashaf mera yeh matlab nahi tha. Tum yaha akele rahogi toh main pura waqt tumhare liye fikar mand rahunga. Abba ke ghar hone par mujhe tension nahi rahegi."

"Zaroon pura din toh mera daftar mein guzrega. Uske baad kuch chand palon se kya farq parega?"

"Parega. Theek hai agar tumhe abba ke ghar nahi jana toh main Sidra se keh dunga ki woh yaha ajaye. Main tumhari ek baat maan raha hoon tum bhi meri ek mano."

"Theek hai. Maan leti hoon."

"Aur yeh tum kya keh rahi thi ki tumhe meri cheezon se meri yaad ayegi? Aise hi nahi ayegi kya? meri cheezon ki zaroorat hai."

"Aisi baat nahi hai."

"Acha. Toh kaisi baat hai?"

"Tum yaha nahi hoge par is bed pe sone par mujhe tumhare hone ka ehsas hoga. Tumhare kapde dekh kar mujhe lage ga ki haan ab kuch hi din bache hai. Tumhari har ek cheez se meri yaadein judi hai. Inhe apne samne dekh kar tumhari na maujudgi ka us kadar ehsas nahi hoga."

"Aur mera kya? Main kaisi yaadein le ke jaun? "

Usne halke se mera haath thama and without saying anything she pressed her lips against mine. It's was nothing like  our  first kiss but it was warmer and more comforting than that. It felt as if she wanted to give me some assurance. She slowly broke the kiss and hugged me tighter than ever before.

"Aisi yaadon dogi toh mera rehna bohot mushkil hojayega. Aur wapas na apaya toh kisi ko Kashaf na samjh loon."

Maine haste huye kaha.

"Yeh ek cheez hai jo kabhi nahi ho sakegi."

"Itna aitbaar hai mujhpe?"

"Jitna tum sochte ho usse kayi zada."

"I love you."

I said keeping my forehead on hers.

"I love you too aur Zaroon main tumhe bohot miss kaungi."

"Main bhi."

  Maine uske balon ko sehlate huye kaha.  

Iske baad usne kuch nahi kaha. Main usse cheezein kehna chahta tha par kabhi kabhi alfaz kam pad jate hai.Shayad woh bhi kehna chahti ho aur na keh paane par usne is tarah se apni pyaar ko apni feelings ko zaahir kiya.

Jaate waqt Kashaf ke saare ghar wale aye huye the. Humari baat kuch sahi tarah se nahi ho payi uske baad. Ab jaa raha hoon toh lagta hai kitna kuch keh sakta tha usse. Kitni baatein kar sakte the hum. Ab pata nahi yeh teen mahine kaise guzrenge. 

Boarding ka waqt hogaya hai. Kashaf ko call kar leta hoon intezar kar rahi hogi abhi tak woh mera bhale hi maine use sojane ke liye keh dia tha. Good night Diary. Hopefully diary likhne ka waqt milega mujhe waha.