Reaching Infinity

April 2, 2014

I’m having dark thoughts again. Everything I do just causes something else to go wrong and I’m never going to get anywhere so why try anymore? Today, my mother decided that she didn’t like my grades again. Things had been so calm. Now I feel like I’m drowning in the air. They just keep telling me that I’m never going to accomplish anything and that I’m not, nor will I ever be, an artist. More of my friends are leaving me and I’m not allowed to talk to the ones I still have until I have straight As again. I’m isolated again. I’m completely alone and who knows if they’ll even like me anymore when I’m allowed to talk again. I don’t even know if they like me now. My whole body aches with this longing to stop existing and my mind just keeps thinking of ways to do it. I cry but I don’t feel anything. Its just dark. The whole world is dark. I’m horrible at running too. Did you know that? I suck. I’m one of the worst on our 800 meter team at track. I’m supposed to sing on Friday but I don’t know what will happen. I’m so scared that I’ll mess up. Mother told me I would mess up. I should drop out now before I embarrass myself. Thats why I didn’t want to tell her about it. None of my family is coming to watch me sing. They have better things to do when they haven’t heard me sing a full song by myself in over three years. They have time for my sister though. She has a soccer game Sunday. I will be at home, alone, studying. Mother told me I looked a bit thinner today. Turns out that was a joke. I didn’t laugh. I think at this point she wants me gone as much as I want to be gone. I think the worst part about this is that I can’t get help, not like I could last time. She will just isolate me even more, make me switch schools again, or worse. Maybe she’ll let me do it. I don’t know what to do or how I’m supposed to feel because I know that if I don’t get it right this time, they’ll never even pretend to love me. They’re giving up. I’m too much of a disgrace. I’m tearing our family apart. I’m the reason they fight and I’m the reason that they have a bad reputation with other people. I walk around the house like a ghost. They don’t even know I’m here anymore. My art teacher had us write about our lives the other day. She called it “art therapy.” We had to read them in front of the class. I had to rewrite mine because it was too dark and would make the class uncomfortable. What am I even writing for? Pity? Love? Hope? A sign that that sinking feeling will go away or someone will call out even though I can't answer and make me feel something again? None of those things will come. So, I'm listening to music and watching in my mirror as the black lines streak down my face once again and my eyes grow red and ugly. The blue and gold become gray and brown. I look into that mirror and I don't see myself anymore. Frankly, I'm not acutally sure who I am. I can't bring myself to write a story or even a sentence that makes any sense at all. I draw but the faces mean nothing. There is no expression in their eyes, just a black and white shell. The markings of their hair almost match the brown scars on my arm. Those long brown lines just keep unravelling me. I don't know how to stop them.

Love Always,

Quinn