Some feelings can't be described. You just feel it and there's no words to extract what happened afterwards; everything afterwards is unrecognizable. And I promise that you can memorize every dictionary in the world but you will never be able to come up with a word that describes being violated. It's highly annoying and frustrating because every book on wattpad has girls who are raped and hurt repeatedly and they act as if nothing happens. And I'm aware that it's fiction but don't victimize your characters unless you actually know. Because once it happens absolutely nothing is the same. You don't want to be touched. You don't want to talk. You don't want to do anything. And in some cases, there are really strong girls who get through and have lived through it and make everything work. Some really strong women live life perfectly. But others, like me, who are vulnerable and faint hearted, don't get through it quite the same way. I'm not having a pity party because as of right this second, no one knows. And no, my username isn't my real name, I don't want anyone to know that it happened to me. I just want a way to express and in a way, admit to it even if it's anonymously.
Let me get something straight first before I start;
I am normal. I have two brothers, a mom, a dad, a dog, a cat, a house. I have brothers who make fun of me, supporting parents, soft pets. I go to school, I learn, I eat, I shower, I run, I shop. I do everything everyone else does. And just because my life is typical and I'm the least expected victim of rape doesn't mean anything. I, along with every other girl, are perfectly good targets for assault. It's inevitable and don't think because you live in a good neighborhood with a sweet puppy and a mom who bakes you brownies every Sunday that your invincible. You're not and I'm not saying that to scare you or to seem bitter. It's just the truth.
When you think what it feels like to be touched, you think you're "skin crawls" and "you want to scratch all your skin off" as every single wattpad book says. For me, I felt nothing but lonely while I was violated. The "skin crawling" and "itchiness" happened way after. Maybe that's just me, I really don't know. When you're begging or frozen or scared under someone, you panic. I panicked at first. But then I started to seize up. And typical, I know, but I really wasn't even in my own body. I kind of just watched what happened from a different perspective. It's something, a feeling, that will follow you everywhere. For me, I don't want young girls to read things where a girl character is hurt and then has a boy save her. That's not how it goes because no one can help. It hurts to feel so alone, to protest against something happening to your own body, but I don't need someone's help. Because as much as I want to stop feeling so empty, I need to help myself and focus on things that matter, not the bodily misprision that took place in my own bed.
I encourage everyone who's gone through any type of sexual assault to write about it.
