Pushed Over the Edge

It is strange being in the complete darkness, the pitch-black, the obscured, and the rayless; all meaning the absence of light within a place. It is where I currently reside; unable to see anything but this emptiness. It seems to be never ending, consuming any and everything it can. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here; have minutes passed by or has it been days? The tranquility of this place is slowly replaced with dread.

“I need to wake up.” I panic, trying desperately to find a way out of the darkness.

“It seems like I’m going in circles.” I think as I scramble around, not making much progress in moving to a corner.

A dull light shows itself; so barely noticeable that I could’ve easily overlooked it in the search for light. It is like looking at a candle a football field away. Keeping my focus on the dim light, I crawl my way to it.

“I’m not going down without a fight.” I grumble; pushing my limbs towards the light. The candle-like light then consumes me in its warmth.

A monotonous yet metronome-like beeping slowly brings me out the darkness. My eyes flicker open and adjust to the light of the room; or more like the lack of light. I peer down at myself, seeing the lower half of my body covered in a light blanket while I lay in what seems like a hospital bed.

“Where am I?” I mumble; trying to sit up in the bed to get a better lay out of my surroundings. In doing so, an exceeding pain resonates from my left shoulder. I lay back down, wincing at the pain.

“You’re in Winchester Memorial Hospital.” An unknown male voice says. “You just got out of surgery a few hours ago.”

Looking to my left, I see a male RN reading the Times News sitting in a chair by the bed.

“You banged yourself pretty good there.” The RN continues, looking over the newspaper and connecting gazes with me.

“I did, didn’t I?” I mumble as if I was asking a rhetorical question.

“You sure did.” He states as he returns to his paper.

I look at him curiously; trying to gather the nerve to ask why he was here. I have a decent idea of the reason why. I take a deep breath before attempting my question; pulling myself once more into a sitting position now that I expect the pain.

“Why are you here then?”

He takes his eyes off the newspaper, looking at my face carefully.

“Suicide Watch.” He says just as carefully.

“Oh, I see.” I say as I nod my head slowly.

“Just as I thought.” I think to myself sarcastically. “Good job, Wayne, now everyone thinks you’re crazy.”

“So why did you do it?” He asks as he places his paper to the floor. I give him a questioning look, not at all sure what he could possibly mean.

“Oh.” I say as I realize what the RN is asking. I look sadly into my cradled hands on my lap.

“I’m actually not really sure as to why I did it.” I sigh. “I guess I only did it to get her attention.”

“Wife?”

“Yeah.” I say silently. “She wants to get a divorce.”

He doesn’t add anything else; expecting me to continue with the story that now is my life.

“I don’t even understand why she wants it!” I say irritated with myself, my hands closing into tight fists. “She wouldn’t even give me a legitimate reason why when I asked her.”

The heart monitors’ beeps start to go faster as my heart speeds up. I close my eyes, breathing in and out slowly and the beeps and my heartbeat become regular.

“I really didn’t think it would end like this.” I thought sadly. “After fourteen years and two kids, she wants to quit now!

“What will happen to our little girls? Will I ever be able to hold them again? Tuck them into bed and kiss them good night? The courts will most likely deem me unfit to care for them since I tried to shoot myself. I might never get to see them again.”

Being absorbed in these thoughts, I can’t help but feel weak and empty inside. The only thing that I love unconditionally will be taken from me. What am I going to do?

“I heard your sister say you’ve got two girls. How old are they?” The RN says, taking me out of my thoughts. I bring my gaze to his and tell myself to think of those thoughts later.

“Jenna is ten and Darcy is eight.” I smile, thinking of my little girls.

He smiles back reassuringly; taking the depressing thoughts away.

“I got a little one of my own.” He says enthusiastically. “He just turned five a few weeks ago.”

“Yeah, those girls mean the world to me.” I say confidently. “It seems like only yesterday that I was changing their diapers and feeding them bottles of milk.”

“Then they’d be a great motivation for you.”

I peer at him questioningly.

“What do you mean?”

He casually picks up his newspaper and starts to read the sports section.

“Oh, you know. Make them the reason your life is worth living.” He replies easily.

I give him a startled look, but a grin gradually forms on my face. The RN looks over the paper once more, his face serious, but he still had a small smile on his face.

“Now get some shut eye.” He says with a serious tone. “I heard your girls are coming in tomorrow ‘round lunch. So you’ll need all the rest you can get to be able to fend them off.”

His smile grows a little more at the end of that sentence. I nod my head in agreement.

“I welcome it.” I thought silently.

“Sure thing.” I say, my grin growing larger at the thought of being able to see my girls.

I ease myself back into the bed and into a position I could sleep comfortably in. Closing my eyes, I welcome the much needed sleep with thoughts of seeing my two little girls tomorrow.