Ed Sheeran Imagines ♥

Struggling

Ever since Ed had found out about my anxiety and panic attacks, things have changed. Not in a bad way, though. The night when I had told him about my mental health issues he had made a promise. He had promised me to support me, to be there for me and most important: To try and understand my struggles and to not see me any differently now that he knew. He had promised me these things and he had kept his word.

I had lost count of the many days we had spent cuddled up in bed or on the sofa, where I had told him everything he wanted and needed to know. I had also lost count of the many nights he had spent in front of his computer, reading everything he could find about anxiety online. Ed was a very good listener. Whenever I tried to explain how I felt he didn't interrupt me with stupid questions like "Why are you so worried?" or "What are you so afraid of?"

He didn't judge me. He didn't tell me 'to simply get over it' or that it's all just in my head. He understood, or at least he tried to understand what it means to live your life with anxiety. I think one of the most important things for people like me is to have at least one person supporting and standing behind them.

Ed was that one person for me. He knew how to calm me down during an anxiety attack. He knew my triggers and that I didn't feel comfortable at social events. He'd also learnt not to take it personally when sometimes I would block him out and lock myself in a room just to be alone. There were days when I would feel like the happiest person on this planet. However, there were these days when I would feel completely lost and horribly emtpy. My face would look as if all happiness was trenched away and I couldn't force myself to even one positive thought.

This would especially happen when Ed had to work all day. I would be alone almost all day, trying to fight the demons in my head. Today was one of these days. Ed had to work late and wasn't home yet. The apartement was quiet. It was so horribly quiet that it was actually loud. I'd spent the last two hours sitting on the cold floor in the hallway with my arms tightly wrapped around myself. Altough I've had anxiety half of my life, I was still struggling to cope with it. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, but instead of distracting myself from the negativity, I've been staring holes in the wall for what felt like ages.

The silence was getting too loud and it made me slap my palms over my ears. I desperately wanted to shut down my own mind. I wanted it to be quiet, just for once. In the past my way of dealing with everything was self harm because I hoped the pain would silence it all. Although Ed had helped me to find other ways to deal with it, the urge was still there. Especially on days like these. Hot tears pricked my eyes as I looked down at the white scars on my wrist. I didn't hate them, though they were a constant reminder of the battle I'd been fighting against myself all those years. In some odd way, they had helped me to deal with certain things.

I let out a soft sob and before I could stop myself I digged my nails into my skin until it burnt. This was just another bad habbit I used to control my anxiety. I let go as I heard the sound of rattling keys coming from the front door.

Ed was home.

He called my name when he walked through the door. He looked tired but there was a happy smile on his face which made my heart twist. I didn't want to kill his happiness but he was the only one who was able to deal with my fucked up feelings.

I didn't even need to answer as it only took him a few seconds to spot me. He understood. He understood the second his blue eyes met mine in the dim light of the hallway. He didn't say anything but just dropped his rucksack to the floor before slowly sitting down next to me.

"I'm so sorry, Ed," I whispered and turned my head to look at him through blurry eyes. My voice sounded weak and broken.

"Don't apologize, Love," he said softly. "It's all good. I'm not going anywhere, so just tell me when you think you're ready to talk, okay?"

I didn't answer him. I didn't know how to explain it, so I decided to just show him how I felt. I held up my left arm to show him the red marks I'd left there on my wrist. A pained expression crossed his face as he took my hand and brought it to his lap. "Oh, Alice," he sighed and I flinched as he gently ran his fingers over my sensitive skin. "Did you want to cut?"

I nodded as another sob escaped my lips. "But you didn't do it."

"But I wanted to!" I cried and used my free hand to wipe the tears from my eyes. "I wanted to because I'm weak and a fucking mess and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with me!"

"Baby." Ed let go of my hand and leaned forward to carefully wrap his arms around my body. He held me close against his warm chest, keeping me safe and secure. "You're not weak and it's not your fault that you feel this way. Please don't believe the lies your anxiety and panic is telling you."

"How can I not believe them?" I sobbed, probably soaking his shirt with my tears. He squeezed me tightly before placing one hand at the back of my head to gently stroke my hair.

"Shhh, I know it's hard but there must be a way," he mumbled soothingly.

"I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying so hard but...but I just can't shut off my mind."

He let me cry into his shoulder for a few more minures before gently pulling away. He let his hands rest on my shoulders as he gave me a small but rather weak smile. I sniffled and used my shirt to dry the tears that were still rolling down my cheeks.

"Alice," he said quietly. "I have an idea but I'm sure you won't like it. Do you still want to hear it?"

I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat as I tried to suppress my rising panic.

"Well, I think maybe we should try therapy next-"

"No!" I immediately cut him off and pushed him away. "No, that's not going to happen, Ed! I have you, I don't need therapy."

"Honey, please listen to me, okay? I've tried to fix this but I'm not a therapist who can help you get to the root of your problems," he explained calmly.

"I don't need fixing! I'm not crazy!" I shouted and again, tears were spilling out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I was so upset, angry and desperate.

"Alice, please." Ed reached for me but I slapped his hand away and quickly scrambled to my feet. My plan was to lock myself in a room and hide under a blanket until I would calme down but I didn't make it very far as two arms wrapped around my waist from behind, keeping me from going anywhere.

I wiggled in his arms, desperately trying to get free but he only tightened his embrace. "Let me go, Ed!" I cried.

"Love, you have to calm down. I want you to breathe for me, just follow my pattern, okay? You're gonna be alright," he spoke softly as he helped me to slowly get my heavy breathing back on track. It worked and I eventually stopped fighting against his strong grip. He carefully turned me around in his arms, inspecting me with concern in his cristal eyes. "Do you want to sit down again?"

I just gave a weak nod before we both sat down on the floor in the hallway again. This time, when he reached for my hand, I didn't pull back. He squeezed my hand once before starting to talk.

"I've read a lot about different types of therapy for anxiety disorders and I believe that it will help you. A therapist can show you how to cope with your emotions the right way and help these issues fade away.  Going to a therapist doesn't mean your crazy or anything. It means that you're brave enough to fight your problems."

I looked down at our interwined hands and swallowed. "Do you think so?"

"Of course I do. We're gonna find a good therapist for you and if it doesn't feel right, you can always quit. How does that sound?"

I tought about it for a moment before taking a deep breath, before coming up with my answer. "I...I guess I could try," I said quietly looking up at Ed.

A smile began to form on his lips and he leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on my forehead, before putting his arms around my body, hugging me tightly. "I promise you won't regret it, Love."

I tried to write down some of my feelings but it was kinda hard 'cause I don't even understand them myself. I hope you liked it, though it was kinda messy but I had to write this off my chest.

Also thank you for more than 66k reads! 66k reads has always been my goal 'cause 66 is one of my favourite numbers 😂😌 ( My others are btw 10, 21, 24 and 63 )Love you all ♥