Yes I Am (Story of Seasons)

Nanami the Dreamer

As I scanned my father's face for a reaction, the silence hung in the air just like the moment before falling glass shatters on the ground. The silence stretched thicker and thicker, like an expanding balloon, until it ruptured.

"No. Out of the question. You are not moving away to become a farmer, Nanami." My father broke the silence and with it the excitement I allowed to build up inside of me before announcing my desires to my family over dinner. I wasn't expecting this reaction. Sure, I know there would have probably been a slight hesitation over sending me off into the world but I thought my dad would at least be supportive of my decision and encourage me to pursue it nonetheless. Instead, it was shot down completely. My father picked his cutlery back up and resumed eating as if to signal that there wasn't anything else to discuss. As I opened my mouth to defend my wishes my father raised his hand to silence me.

"Don't misunderstand me. I have nothing but the highest respect for farmers, it is a very noble profession. It is, however, not so simple or easy a job that anyone, especially you, could take up on a whim and hope to succeed. You don't have a clue about anything when it comes to farming. If you're naïve enough to believe that you have any chance of supporting yourself at this, think again. You are in no way prepared to be a farmer, end of discussion." He spoke carefully, his words had an air of finality to them. The frustration builds and I think I might explode, once again I attempt to protest my point but he dismisses it and shoots me down immediately. My lips tremble and I can feel my eyes beginning to brim with tears. I bite down hard on my lip and try to regain composure. I want to shout, I want to have a tantrum and throw my hands down on the table like an angry child but I don't. I stand and retreat to my room defeated. No matter how hard I tried to object to them, it seemed like nothing would change his mind.

~~~

My younger sister Lynn poked her head around my bedroom door a little while later. I had attempted to read after I had finally calmed down, I picked up a book about animal husbandry that I had bought second hand in a bookstore last summer. The author, Neil, went into great detail about the types of farm animal he had raised on his wife Rachel's farm. Perhaps it was naive of me, but as my desire to become a farmer grew I had read this book more and more in order to research what farming would entail. Not that reading a book multiple times would make me a farmer, I was fully aware that actual experience and trial and error would be what would make me a worthy farmer. I just wish my dad would allow me to at least practice and try.

I couldn't concentrate on the words on the page, I kept replaying my father's reaction in my head and then realised that I hadn't read a single word once I had reached the end of the page. I placed the book down on the floor and threw myself down on my bed. I had felt so hopeful and positive this morning, I had gotten up early to make dinner with some tomatoes and herbs I had grown on my windowsill and waited excitedly for everyone to arrive home to tell them the news. I felt foolish now.

"Dad was pretty strict earlier, huh?" came a quiet voice from the doorway. I sat up and patted the space beside me on the bed. "I wasn't expecting him to be as harsh as he was about it." Lynn climbed onto the bed and cocked her head in a birdlike manner. "Do you actually want to move away to become a farmer? It's a bit weird. What if the cows eat your clothes? They eat anything."

I laughed, I adored Lynn for always being able to make me smile after a bad situation. Her childish charm was so lovable. "That's goats that eat everything, silly." I tickled her lightly, "And yes, I do want to become a farmer. I know it might seem like a random whim but it's something that's been building up inside of me since I was younger than you. Do you remember when we use to visit that farm with mum and dad? Those are some of my most treasured memories, it always felt right being there. I loved the animals and helping to water the plants. When I think about what direction I want my life to go now I can't think of anything else I want to do."

Lynn laughed slightly, "It's still a bit weird." She paused, her face suddenly turning serious. "When you left the dinner table, dad said he had an announcement. He said that we were all moving at the end of the month. It seems like we're never going to be able to settle down and call somewhere home for real... Mum said not to be too harsh on him because moving is part of dad's job and we should be grateful for how hard her works... H-He said we're moving to a town far across the ocean." She let out a deep sigh and frowned, I pulled her onto my lap and cuddled her close. I didn't want to move either, I wanted to have a home instead of lots of different houses. If my dad made me move with them then it'll be even harder to become a farmer. "I understand, Lynn. It's really frustrating, isn't it? I'm going to talk to dad and try to reason with him about not letting me move out on my own, he needs to accept that I'm an adult now. I can make my own decisions." Lynn buried her head into my arms and whispered, "You better have a spare bedroom there for me if you do move out. When you have your own house I'm going to come visit lots and make you feed me lots of cake."

~~~

My father and I argued a lot about my desire to move out and become a farmer over the next several nights. The situation where I had first told him was often repeated every dinner time. Whilst his feelings about my decision were never positive no matter how much I brought it up and tried to reason with him, he eventually allowed me to try (and in his mind fail) to pursue what I wanted to.

My father didn't smile like my mum and Lynn did when the day I moved out finally came when they saw me off in the morning. He was still sceptical and quiet. My mother thrust a bag full of her cooking into my hands then pulled me into her embrace. "Make sure to get all of your seasonal vaccines, and to eat properly. Be careful, and don't over exhaust yourself with those heavy tools!" She took a deep breath and cupped my face in her hands, "And most of all have fun. Send us lots of letters about how you're doing. I'm so proud of you Nami, try not to worry too much about your father. He'll come round eventually, he just doesn't want to see you get hurt." I reassured my mum that I would stay and eat healthily, and said my 'see you later' to Lynn. She reminded me numerous times that there had to be cake waiting for her when she came to visit or she'd feed me to the cows.

As I finished putting my suitcases on the wagon he finally spoke. "Nanami..." I paused and looked back at him, I was still hurt that it took this much disagreement and fighting to get to this day but he was still my beloved dad. "If things don't work out there will always be a room for you at our new house. You can come home and we'll look at getting you into a good university or some other work." I could feel my shoulder slump slightly; I wish he wouldn't assume they'd be a negative outcome so much. He sighed slightly and continued, "Understand this, I still don't believe you'll be able to support yourself as a farmer. All I'm doing is giving you the chance to learn that yourself. Go see my little brother, your uncle Frank. He's an excellent teacher and will teach you. He'll tell you flat out if you have the promise of being a farmer or not." He walked up to me slowly and pulled me closer to him wrapping his arms around me and giving me a tight squeeze, he whispered in my ear "Make me proud, Nami."

I will, dad. I'm going to show you how capable I really am. I'll come back as a successful farmer and maybe then you won't have to worry so much about me.