Most of the time, the things i write to you are a jumbled mess of my thoughts that never come out as clearly, and never have a strong meaningful impact like i wished they did. My head is always messy and i guess thats just my way of trying to make sense of it all to myself.
Half of the time the things i say don't mean anything or are just really pointless sentences that have no reason to be said, because ive said the same damn sentence at least two-hundred times; And by the time the words finally come out, they don't seem to much as much to the other person as they did to me. Maybe im just too sentimental and lovey-dovey.
I wish i had the power to effortlessly blend a sentence together that could really mean something to someone, or stop and make them think, or feel something. But i don't think anything ive ever written has done that for anyone, and thats what i think im doing; writing a "meaningful" thing, but i really have no idea what im doing at all.
i wish i could take the feelings you give me and just make them a sentence but there is no way to do that, so most of the time the same fucking thing comes out, just worded differently. And the only thing that comes out is "i love you" and of course i do, i always will if you let me. But i wish i could say something more meaningful than that because people say those three words all the time, so sometimes they lose impact.
My brain just doesn't work right when i think about you. It just short circuits, and then i sit there like an idiot and try to think of something to say, but most of the time i say absolutely nothing at all.
i don't know what im doing
Theres no reason for me to be writing this right now but i am and i have no fucking idea why. I wish i knew. I wish i knew alot of things. I wish i knew why you make me feel the way i do, and i wish you understood what you do to me every second of every day even when we aren't talking.
You make it impossible to think straight, and you make me nervous. You make me wonder, about literally everything. You make my heart beat too fast and my brain react to slow. You make my emotions too intense and my ability to sit down and know everything is going to be okay, disappear. I'm always thinking, always hoping and always planning. But i guess thats just what love does to you? I wouldnt know because i have no past experience with it, but you do.
Love has stolen more sleep from me, than any restless sad night ive ever had. It has made me do the craziest, stupidest things without anything running through my system, and it has made me feel, so much more than i wish i had to.
Love is painful, but wonderful.
You have taught me that its okay to let things hurt. Because youre like a band-aid, you don't make it completely go away, but you help. You hide it, and you make it hurt less. It's so much easier not to cry over if you don't have to know it's always there. You take the pain ive had for the longest time away, and you make me feel like maybe everything will be okay. And little by little, day by day, things become even more okay, i learn a little bit more everyday from you, and it's enough to help me cope.
But thats why i'm terrified.
You're a support system. And i had forgotten what it was like to have stable one, one you know won't go anywhere.
I am so scared of letting myself feel again, be vulnerable, letting myself be, because i suck at dealing with any type of pain. I wish my brain didnt work this way, i wish it didnt make things seem so bad, or make me feel like i could constantly be doing better even when im already pushing myself much harder than i need to be.
But like i said. You help me forget.
And then, in moments like this it just floods my mind. It makes me think and wonder and be afraid for a little while and then i remember that i have you, and that i have a future. Hopefully a long happy one with you.
"pain demands to be felt" and if it really does, id rather be feeling it with you.
All the bad things are gone. No more thoughts about ending my own life, or ruining it, or just thinking that things can't and won't be okay.
They will be.
I can promise myself that, but i can't promise you that. I can't read your mind, or make you want or do anything. So all i can do is hope that youll be you, and realize the many things you need to. all i can do is love you.
I can't love you back to your life, and i can't love you back to wanting it. But ill try.
As a person i can't do shit. All i can do is try to help you.
Try to make you feel all the things i feel and hope that you dont ignore them.
I'm crazy and i know that. But you're the most beautiful fucking thing ive ever seen. The way your mind works, the way you use your words, The way you see things. You just amaze me. You make me feel so many feelings all at once and sometimes i really just don't want to feel them, but i love it. I love the way you make me feel and the things you push me to do. I fall in love with you one-thousand times a day, each time deeper and deeper, and at this point its hard to imagine what i would do if you just werent there.
Youre my click, my thing, that thing that makes me function, the little burst of happiness that prevents me from giving up.
Youre the first thing in a long time, to help me see, like really see. you just clicked.
Its like i was just there, and then i wasn't.
i was somewhere more wonderful, more kind.
That place lives in your eyes, and its what i see everytime i look into them.
so sometimes i just want to stare, because you take me to that place. and its the only place i ever want to be.
i wish this was an endless summer, because when it's over things are going to be scary again, and im not ready.
none of us are ever ready for anything, we just try to be.
i wasn't ready to love you. But here i am, fucking crazy about you.
"you're so down to earth, but i'm up in the stars. Show me the sea, and i'll take you to mars."
That click, it fixed me.
i am overwhelmingly in love with you. and that is just all there is to say.
