"I love you. Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal" I whispered on the other side of the door.
I wished she could hear me. But there was no response.
Awkwardness covered the atmosphere during next day's breakfast gathering. Di kami magkatinginan ng deretso ni Savannah. Hindi rin namin magawang magkibuan. Narinig ba niya ang sinabi ko kagabi?
"Mahal", ang tawag sa akin ng mama pagpasok niya sa dining hall. Agad niya akong niyakap. "Thank God, you are alive", she said with a professional-looking grin on her face. "I love you mahal. Don't make us worry again. Please. I am begging you. Do not leave me alone."
"Alone?" I questioned her statement.
"Yes." She answered quickly.
"You still have Adriana." My big sister looked like somebody hit her hard on the head.
She cleared her throat and said, "Excuse me, am I invisible?" Nice way to talk to the President of the Philippines in front of her council and advisers. (Yes, our mom was the leader of the country.)
Mama just continued speaking, ignoring Adriana. " Kaka cremate lang sa katawan ng kuya mo. So I need you to be strong now. Stay alive for me. Please." She smiled graciously at me.
"At Savannah, hija." She faced Savannah. "I hope hindi mo masamain pero hihingi ako ng pabor sa'yo."
"Anything Madame President" Savannah replied.
" Please take care of my son. Look after him, please. Do not let him slip away from your sight."
Wala nang nagawa si Savannah kun'di sumang-ayon. This time nagawa na niya akong titigan. Sharp eyes. Sharper than a double-edged sword. Natawa na lang ako magisa sa isipan. If I were a pie I would have been sliced into pieces right now.
I looked at my sister again. This time she was bragging about a successful business project to her favorite person in the world, Savannah's kuya and my mother's personal adviser, Barry Lopez. Bagay silang magkasama. Both are wealth-hungry boastful greedy creatures. This was the image of my family now. Wala na ang papa. Wala na rin si kuya Steve. Anger was building up on heart once again. I suppressed the negative emotion by secretly stabbing my palm with my silver fork. "Good morning Seb." I tried to greet myself.
"Good morning Seb", ani Savannah the moment she approached me right after our breakfast. I stared blankly at the fork for last one time- I longed for the moment that I would have the chance to stab my brother's killer with this fork.
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I wanted to sit by the bench on the nearby park. Gusto kong magpahangin habang nagsusulat ng bago kong istorya. I wanted to be alone. But the word of the President is a law. So, kabuntot ko si Savannah.
Pero kahit kasama ko siya I felt very alone. We kept being silent. The silence was deafening. "Magsalita ka naman." I begged her to say even a single word.
"Seb"
"Sav"
And we were quiet again. Mahirap makapagfocus sa pagsusulat gamit ang laptop ko habang alam kong nasa tabi ko lang siya. Na didistract ako. I spread my long legs pagupo ko sa paborito kong royal blue-colored bench. Savannah hesitated to sit right beside me. She remained standing for quite a while. "Sit down Sav", I told her. She followed my instruction immediately. Naupo siya. Sa kabilang dulo ng upuan.
I felt like we were so near yet still so far from one another. Para bang nilagay sa blender ang puso ko. I felt like my heart was broken in half and crushed. I came closer to her and held her hand without asking any permission. But since we were in a public place hinawakan ko lang ang kamay niya sa likod ng bench. Her eyes became teary. " Inspire me to write." I whispered on her ear. I was indeed a fiction writer desperate for some inspiration.
"You have Summer." She told me.
"Cookie-cutter beauty si Summer. Masyado na yung gasgas para sa mg readers."
"so ako hindi kagandahan kaya pwedeng gawing inspirasyon?"
"ikaw ang maysabi niyan." I laughed.
She giggled. Maganda naman si Savannah. Of course maraming babae na mas maganda sa kanya. Pero iba siya. Ang kagandahan niya ay inexpressible.
Hindi ko ito lubos maipaliwanag.
I pinched her on the cheeks. Sinuntok nya ako sa mukha. Nahulog ang laptop ko. I didn't care. We continued to cuddle until I saw an angry-looking face behind her. I thought I was imagining it. I was surprised to see Summer. Hinablot niya ang buhok ni Savannah. "I told you to get rid of her." She screamed. Tumalsik pa laway niya sa mukha ko sa sobrang galit niya. Nung una hindi pa magawang gumanti ni Savananah pero hindi na rin niya mapigilan sinabunutan nya na rin si Summer. It was a catfight I couldn't fully express in words. I tried to pull them away from each other's body but their rage was beyond my strength. Gold digger, social climber, mangaagaw, bitch. she described Savannah while yelling. I felt helpless so among the crowd prying at the quarrel I was able to convince two older guys to stop both of them.
Sobrang gulo. Sobrang ingay. Pero wala namang forever. At dahil walang forever alam kong may katapusan rin ang away nila. At the end ayaw nilang mag apologize sa isa't isa kaya ako na lang ang humingi ng sorry to both of them. At the end, I had to be with Summer-only because she was my bethroted. Only because I didn't want any girl's heart to be broken. Something done out of responsibility. To keep my promise to my mother, to be married to the girl she chose for me. Something I knew I would regret.
Even though ayoko pero kailangan. Even though hindi ko talaga gusto. Even though si Savannah ang gusto kong samahan.
Hindi.
Mali.
Hindi ko siya gustong samahan. Hindi ko lang siya basta gustong samahan. Siya ang gusto kong makasama.
