The Visit

I just got off the phone with my mom, and I feel so much better, now that I have apologized for acting a fool by throwing a rock and breaking the window out of her car. Honestly I just picked up the rock and threw it, not necessarily aiming at her car, but it would be my luck that I would end up being accurate to that degree...smh. But I just didn't want to continue treatment. Yo I felt crazy for real, no weed, no cigarettes...I could live without the alcohol, but I didn't realize how dependent I had become on those. My stress level stayed at an all time high, and I looked to those things to calm me down, instead of looking to the SOURCE, that my mom taught me about my whole life: JESUS. Yet here I am now, no voluntary stint, but court ordered, 90 days. I swear it's totally different when you know you are free to go whenever you want versus being "locked" up for the duration of a set time. So I keep reminding myself it's for the best. This is going to help me. I been in here for a few days, no phone, no laptop, nothing. Just me and my thoughts. I can't lie, I cried like a baby my first night, the second night I was mad at the world. Third night i was mad at HER! She out there looking like she don't have a care in the world, and I'm going through it. She know me, actually better than I know myself. She wasn't phased by "I'm Still" she just continued on with what she was doing. When I called her, she simply said, whatever, I don't have the time to even worry bout that. And we just tripped after that. But then she cut me off again! Karrueche! Fourth day I was mad at myself. How can I be so gullible? I know what Kae up to, yet I say nothing. I tell myself, just do whatever it takes to help her get established in the this industry ( I know she want fame and money) so I can just leave her alone. My mom does not like her or my friends. The problems between Robs and I definitely stemmed from all of them trying to prove to me she was messing around on me ( I believed it because she wasn't how she use to be. A nigga use to not be able to breathe without inhaling her scent because she was right there...and i miss that). But now she let me have "space", and she would chill with her girls and I couldn't understand that. I hate CHANGE. I couldn't follow her freely because of being on probation, and then I didn't want to look like I was sprung to my boys (yea I know that's childish, but hey), but look, they got their chicks and I'm over here pretending with this one. But today, according to momma I may have a visitor, she sounded so excited. I swear that woman love Robyn more than me sometimes...lol. I have no idea how this is going to go..but I'll start with congratulations Icon, and see where that leads us.

I swear I live on this plane. Me, Mel, Rorrey, and Leandra headed back to New York so we could turn up for my lil big bro birthday at Finale night club. I love this dude man. But I can't lie, I couldn't wait to return to L. A. because I had to see him. I have to make sure he knows that I care about him still and what he is going through. Fans and media buying into this whole thing with him and ol girl, but I don't. So until he tells me different, I just have to go with my gut on this one. After talking to Joyce, I felt somewhat better about this court ordered rehab stay. Chris is not a monster, he is not sitting around angry all the time. He is so kind-hearted and loving that it sometimes bring people into his life that has no business being there. OHB for instance. When Joyce and I talked we noticed that a lot of things came back to his crew, and honestly that's where we began to have a lot of our problems..it's not all of them on why we broke up, but they definitely played their part. Also miscommunication, I swear he never listened to me. It's like he heard me, but he wasn't listening..ugh. I'm thinking he needs space & don't want me crowding him like I use too. I can't lie, when he moved, I moved, ...just like that lol. Yes because I was insecure to a degree (he is Chris Brown for goodness sake), possessive (the day he told me it was mine, I took that to heart...CJ has no other playmates) and obsessed with waking up in his arms. Before we ever had sex, he was my best friend, so we often found ourselves hugged up, sleeping together, and even as his friend I didn't want anyone else in that spot. And later I realized he felt the exact same way. And now here we are! Not knowing which way to go. Walk away for good, or back to love? So this visit is necessary. I look out the window of jet...it's Thanksgiving morning...LAX.