It's summer time and everyone, except for me of course, is having fun. Like always I spend my late summer nights either binge watching something on Netflix, writing or, my least favorite option, thinking about my life. Whenever I think everything seems so depressing and yes I've tried thinking about something that makes me happy but for some odd reason every single time I do, my train of thoughts lead to something that makes me sad.
It's like happiness and positivity is all around me but I have this wall of negativity around me that I can't seem to break. Whatever I do or wherever I go it follows me.
People and some therapists say happiness is a choice but it sure isn't for me. If it was wouldn't I be happy? Wouldn't I be smiling right now? Enjoying my life? It just doesn't seem like a choice to me.
When I was younger I thought at this time in my life I would be happy with a boyfriend being the happiest I could ever be. I thought that my pride wouldn't be so far up my ass and I would be more open with people, telling them how I really feel. So I spend my time creating characters who I wish I could be like or always hoped I would be.
Back to the topic: if someone asked me what my thoughts on happiness are, I would tell them that I'm sure that it's a state of mind but it isn't a choice that you can make. I think happiness is something that either grows with you or falls while you get older.
