Bullied / Phan

Chapter 4

Darkness. All there is now is darkness. It can't get worse. The fact that I haven't even touched the piano show's it all. The bullying is still going. My dad is barely home. He's always taking shifts at the hospital. I think it's to avoid the house. I haven't said a word since the day I went back to school. That's now a month ago. I just need to forget everything. Just for a second.

It's already 10 am, so I can't go to school now. That's what I get for staying up the whole night.

Most of all I just wanna stay in this bed forever. Just sleep and never wake up again. 

But I can't sleep. Just... Let me forget. 

I get out of bed and go down to the front door. One half of me wants me to get dressed so people don't judge me when I walk out like this. A hoodie I've worn 3 days straight, and jogging pants. But I just can't pull myself together to change. I haven't even showered. 

I don't know where I'm going before I'm standing outside the store.  It's one of those stores that sells alcohol to underaged people. I'm seventeen so I only have to wait a year before I can legally buy the stronger alcohols. I know that I can buy less strong alcohol now, but today is not the day I'm gonna get beer. 

I remember the first time being here. Me and Tim were 15 and thought it would be fun to get drunk. Back when I enjoyed life. 

 We had sleepovers where we wrote music together. We had our band back in middle school. We got drunk together and pretended to be somewhat rebels. But then my mum got sick... I pushed him away. 

I walk into the store with my 10 pounds in my hand. When they ask what I want I point at the vodka in the corner. They sell it to me without questioning anything. 

I walk a bit away before I open it. I have never tasted it before so I start with just a bit. It tastes like the smell of sharpies. I didn't buy it for the taste so I have to live with it. I take another sip from it. It's so terrible. When will it work? 

I walk away from the city and out in the forest. Just walking in a straight line with stops to drink. I can barely taste it anymore, but if I get too much I puke. 

Suddenly the forest stops. In front of me is a small road. It doesn't seem like it have been used for years. And in the end there's a bridge. With the bottle of vodka in one hand I stumble over to the bridge. I look down. The fall would kill me. 

I'm not brave enough to jump. Instead I go a bit back, to the little hill on the other side of the bridge. 

It's so easy to end it all. Just be gone. Just as my mum. Nobody would care anyways. The only one who doesn't hate me is my dad, and he barely acknowledge my existence. I would probably just do him a favour. Then his worthless problematic child wouldn't be there to bother him. 

I take the bottle to get more vodka. So much of it is gone. I try to take something but it just turns in my throat and goes up again. All over me. I try to clean my mouth with more vodka and this time I can swallow it. But I fail the next sip again. I'm all covered in vomit. That only makes me vomit more. 

If my mum could see me like this... she can't. The tears start streaming down my face. I miss her. 

"Why did you have to leave?" I think, not even saying it out loud. "I miss you". 

I take another sip vodka and look up at the, now yellow, sky. I have never believed in heaven. But if there is just the smallest chance of being with her... isn't it worth it?

With the bottle in my hand I stumble back to the bridge. Nobody would miss me.

I take the last big sip from the nearly empty bottle, before I place it on the ground. My heart beats faster as I'm swinging my leg on the other side of the bridge.